tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51463581046374834942024-03-13T10:23:23.807-05:00One Iron Waitingthoughts on celibacy, friendship, relationships, God, and loveThe Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.comBlogger187125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-81307547993414053752020-11-09T20:09:00.000-06:002020-11-09T20:09:33.336-06:00Lies and Consequences<p></p><blockquote> "We don't like how he does things either, but what harm is there in his behavior? It's just words."</blockquote><p></p><p>Oh, brothers and sisters. Lies have consequences. For instance, if someone tells you over and over that you don't need your knee brace (or medication) and that using it is a sign that you are weak and are living in fear, and you believe them because of how many times they say it, and you stop using it and you fall down the stairs (or have a mental or physical breakdown), those lies have consequences for you and for others.</p><p>Or if they tell you the same thing about masks, and you refuse to wear one, and you get Covid-19 and you give it to your wife (and possibly others) and cause unnecessary suffering that could have been prevented if you hadn't believed the lies, those lies have consequences for you and for others. </p><p>There is nothing holy about causing unnecessary suffering. Nothing. </p><p>There is nothing redemptive in causing another person unneeded pain and misery. Nothing.</p><p>Can God bring good things out of any sins we commit as individuals and communities. Absolutely. </p><p>Does that mean we should sin more? Absolutely NOT.</p><p>If you believe that you stand for the truth, you need to speak up on behalf of the truth no matter who tells the lies. And if you can stop people from hearing the lies again and again (because we know that people believe things they hear repeated enough times), you should try.</p><p>But the thing is, lies have consequences, so even if you try, you will be fighting your brothers and sisters who have believed the lies, who have embraced the lies with so much ardor they are unable to see they are being deceived, unable to see how the lies are harming them, are harming you, are harming your neighbors and the communities you live in.</p><p>And when they say about the lies they believe, "They're only words; they don't matter," you will see how the lies are harming them, and you will not be able to do anything to help them see the truth but pray to the Source of all Truth to deliver them from their bondage to the lies.</p><p>And they may do the same, pitying you for listening to the experts God has set around you for such a time as this while they listen to the lies of people speaking out of self-interest. They will pity you for trusting evidence over repetition of lies. They will pity you for not doubting things they never doubted until they were told over and over that they suddenly needed to because it benefited the liar for them to believe his lies. </p>The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-8138948727878368472018-09-30T13:57:00.000-05:002018-09-30T13:57:18.931-05:00What do you want in a friend as an adult?I was sitting on a porch step with a friend the other day, and she talked about how friendship is different when you’re an adult and are going through a lot of changes. We talked about relationships in general (you and other people, you and your spouse, you and your church, you and your church small group). How much work SHOULD relationships be? When one side is doing most of the emotional work, when is it time to try to talk about it to be sure there’s not a simple misunderstanding in the way? When is it time to redraw boundaries, reflect and revise expectations, or even call it quits? We talked around whether it was brave or selfish to do these things. We don’t want to be people who only receive and never give, but how long can we give but not receive, and what is the “right” ratio for these things? (I think we decided it’s hard and there is no “right” answer that fits every given situation because each situation is different.) When we were talking about friendship in her current life, she said something like, “I don’t even know what I WANT in friends anymore. What should I want to do with my friends? What do you want for your friendships?” I thought it was a fantastic question that deserved a more thorough answer than the one I could give punch drunk on late autumn porch sunlight that day. <br /><br />Since I’ve been listening to the entire catalog of Sara Groves songs at work to get me through a destructively busy time, I found myself reflecting on the words of several of her songs about being with people you love. Here are some of my thoughts about the kind of friend I want to be and what I value in friendships in four Sara Groves songs.<br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Just One More Thing</b></span><br /><a href="https://genius.com/Sara-groves-just-one-more-thing-lyrics">https://genius.com/Sara-groves-just-one-more-thing-lyrics</a><br /><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOu1Yh4QzTw">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOu1Yh4QzTw</a><br /><br />One of the most interesting things about learning to live with chronic health problems is the fact that I have HAD to slow down. I have had to STOP over-committing, STOP over-scheduling, STOP acting as if my current body can do what my brain remembers it doing effortlessly in the past. I have had to stop allowing myself to get stressed out about things that don’t need to be done but probably should be done and focus more on what needs to be done. If something doesn’t need to be done and if I CAN’T physically do it, then I have to release myself from the guilt of not doing it, so I can focus my energy on doing what I CAN do, even if sometimes the only thing I can do is rest or maybe manage to drive over to friend’s place to be exhausted there instead of at home.<br /><br />I characterize this song as frustrated and cranky and a little bit reflective and re-centering about the fact that the law and the gospel can be reduced to loving God and loving our neighbors. The singer is giving herself a good talking to about the ways we can drive ourselves to distraction with all the things we could be doing at any one time and the way that we need to choose not to be distracted from the important work of loving each other by all the things we could be doing. The chorus is a joyful shout about the freedom from getting wrapped around the axle about everything being demanded of you by others and yourself.<br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
And love to me is when you put down that one more thing and say<br />I've got something better to do<br />And love to me is when you walk out on that one more thing and say<br />Nothing will come between me and you<br />Not even one thing</blockquote>
<br />This. This is where I want to get. Without guilt, with joy and peace and contentment. Not because I physically can’t do anything else but because I am choosing to do this thing.<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Every Minute</b></span><br /><a href="https://genius.com/Sara-groves-every-minute-lyrics">https://genius.com/Sara-groves-every-minute-lyrics</a><br /><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AZfLOG1VhQ">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AZfLOG1VhQ</a><br /><br />This song is like a hug. You should listen to it. (Let me know if you want to borrow the CD.) It’s a reflection on what is amazing about being with friends, about staying IN with friends instead of going out (or feeling like you should go out), about what it means to have a home (a place and people). <br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
And I can think of a time when families all lived together<br />Four generations in one house<br />And the table was filled with good food<br />And friends and neighbors<br />That's not how we like it now<br /><br />'Cause if you sit at home you're a loser<br />Couldn't you find anything better to do?<br />Well, no, I couldn't think of one thing<br />I would rather waste my time on than<br />Sitting here with you</blockquote>
<br />This was true when I was kid and there were so few other things I had to do. There were no wrong choices when I had to choose between reading and playing outside with friends and playing inside with friends. And on those long summer days when I knew I was going to be at my friend’s house again first thing in the morning, I didn’t want to leave even after the fireflies had settled down for the night, and it was too dark to do anything safely. Every moment and every minute. How did I forget this? How can I be like a child and get this back?<br /><br />While I was busy taking on too many wonderful activities and responsibilities, I didn’t get to do this, and then I grew up and forgot all about it, left it behind as if it were unimportant. And it’s so very important that I think we FEEL it, we feel it missing, we feel its absence, and it hurts us, and we long for it, but we don’t even know what it is we are longing for until we find it and then we realize we are home, this is home, this is kairos time, this is what all eternity in heaven will be like. And we don’t want it to end.<br /><br /><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />To Be with You</span></b><br /><a href="https://genius.com/Sara-groves-to-be-with-you-lyrics">https://genius.com/Sara-groves-to-be-with-you-lyrics</a><br /><br />This song is about family and the holidays. For many people who don’t have great memories around Christmas, this song can be kind of fraught. However, even if your holiday memories with your family are not positive (and many of my more recent ones are not), there is something about the warmth I feel toward the ones I love that this warm and nostalgic song evokes that makes me smile. <br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
We gather by the fire<br />Reminiscing by its light<br />The kids will be up early<br />But it's hard to say goodnight<br /><br />To be with You, to be with You<br />I love this time of year<br />It always brings me here<br />To be with You</blockquote>
<br />What I love about this song is that it so perfectly describes this feeling of rightness, of doing something we’ve done countless times again with people we love to be present with. This is the time that matters; it is good to do this now, and it will be good to do it again and again.<br /><br /><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />Twice as Good</span></b><br /><a href="https://genius.com/Sara-groves-twice-as-good-lyrics">https://genius.com/Sara-groves-twice-as-good-lyrics</a><br /><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7WY9w_7v2Q">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7WY9w_7v2Q</a><br /><br />This joyful celebration of friendship is straightforward. This is the kind of friend I want to be, and it is, frankly, why I will never have a large number of close friends. I don’t have the physical capacity to support relationships like this with very many people, and that is okay. God asks that I be faithful with what He’s given me, and I believe He leads people to each other to be there for each other in different ways and for different lengths of time.<br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
When I am down and need to cry till morning<br />I know just where I am going<br />When I'm in need of sweet commiseration<br />To speak out loud<br />Raise a glass to friendship<br />And to knowing you don't have to go alone<br />We'll raise out hearts to share each other's burdens<br />On this road<br /><br />Every burden I have carried<br />Every joy--it's understood<br />Life with you is half as hard<br />And twice as good</blockquote>
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />In the End</span></b><br />Once a friend asked me if I had any dreams. That’s another post, but he asked it close to a time I went on a plane and, shortly after takeoff, when everything is getting smaller and further away, I saw this place at the end of a road and surrounded by trees and some fields, and there were three houses like 3 sides of a square and a big open yard for the fourth side, and I thought, I want to live in a place like that someday with Friend X and family on one side and Friend Y and family on the other side.<br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
And I wish all the people I love the most<br />Could gather in one place<br />And know each other and love each other well<br />-from Every Minute</blockquote>
<br />I think that is what heaven will be like, an eternity of that, enough time to develop that with everyone there, to live in that kind of communion forever. What we experience here and now is but a glimpse of the joys to come, and I think true friendship gives us one of those glimpses. <br /><br /><br />What about you? On a more practical level, what do you look for in your friendships as an adult, what kinds of commitments and activities are reasonable, especially when money is tight?<br />The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-45562901345791023482016-04-09T16:29:00.003-05:002016-04-09T16:29:39.389-05:00To evangelical moms concerned about their children liking IFLS's posts:<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
Maybe we think</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
that the truth </div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
or quality <span style="font-size: 11pt;">or humor</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
or heart of the
thought </div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
are more important
than</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
whether a swear word</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
is present. Maybe we</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
would like to think
that</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
our friends have
similar</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
mature views and
that</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
our parents do, too,
</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
because if people
are</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
shallow enough to
judge</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
us based on the
presence</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
of swearing on our </div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
Facebook feeds (it
might </div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
indicate we are
friends </div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
of sinners, after
all), then </div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
maybe their opinions
</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">on the subject
shouldn't</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">matter at all to us.</span></div>
The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-66639220742399883672015-11-21T21:51:00.004-06:002015-11-22T21:39:25.695-06:00what Mary didThis is what Mary did:<br />
she found what was necessary<br />
resting at His feet, not too busy<br />
<br />
to listen, and Martha did not<br />
understand why Mary wasn't<br />
doing the things she should<br />
<br />
have been doing, may not even<br />
have understood when Jesus<br />
explained, and I, Mary and<br />
<br />
Martha both, still struggle to<br />
rest, be still, stop moving as if<br />
motion is necessary to hold<br />
<br />
everything together when, in fact,<br />
resting is what holds it all together,<br />
freedom from distraction, focus,<br />
<br />
listening and hearing, being ready<br />
to listen and hear, the truest busy-ness<br />
of those on Kingdom business?The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-66548036002192308732015-10-29T22:04:00.001-05:002015-10-29T22:04:29.907-05:00why is this death so hard<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>for Bruce Edwards</i></span><br />
<br />
Why is this death so hard<br />
to handle? Because it was<br />
sudden? Because he was a<br />
good man? Because we were<br />
looking forward to the new<br />
Sara Groves album, and he<br />
was deep into the World<br />
Series and had just made<br />
new friends on Facebook<br />
and because now we will<br />
never have the chance to<br />
talk about writing again<br />
on this side, and I can't<br />
stop crying, even though<br />
we didn't know each other<br />
very well at all, and I should<br />
go see if he autographed<br />
his book for me, but I can't<br />
quite bear to look? His absence<br />
already looms large even<br />
though his presence in my<br />
life was such a small, warm<br />
and steady light. Lord,<br />
grant him rest eternal in<br />
perpetual light. Amen.The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-30674159758369109452015-09-05T19:03:00.001-05:002015-09-05T19:03:13.233-05:00Dear parents of an adult child with un-diagnosed mental illness,Dear parents of an adult child with un-diagnosed mental illness,<br />
This<br />
is why I want you to go<br />
see a good family counselor psychologist: so<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
you will know </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
that this </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
is not </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
your fault. I </div>
want you to talk<br />
to someone who sees<br />
this kind of thing<br />
every day, someone<br />
who will listen with<br />
knowledge, someone<br />
who can suggest<br />
things you can try<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
(if you haven't already </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
tried them and only </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
if you ask). I want </div>
you to hear--from someone who hears<br />
from people like you for a living--<br />
whether or not this behavior<br />
that hurts you<br />
so badly<br />
is something your child<br />
chooses (and something you choose<br />
to allow) or whether<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
this is </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
something </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
your child </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
has no choice over </div>
due to the mental health issues. <br />
Maybe that doesn't<br />
matter to you so much,<br />
but it does to me. It's<br />
different for me if<br />
someone is choosing<br />
to be cruel to me than<br />
if someone is<br />
unable to<br />
choose<br />
anything healthy<br />
because of brain<br />
chemistry problems. <br />
It's scary, too, of<br />
course, to think that<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
someone is behaving </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
so badly without </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
any choice </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
in the matter </div>
because that means they can't<br />
choose better behaviors (except<br />
maybe to finally seek treatment<br />
and health and help like any<br />
ill person should). However,<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
I'd rather know that truth</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
than go on suspecting </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
that someone is knowingly, </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
intentionally causing pain </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
to people who love them</div>
because that person chooses<br />
to do so for any reason. Please,<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
talk to someone who </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
can give you real answers,</div>
and stop lying and<br />
saying it's okay and<br />
it doesn't bother you<br />
when the hurt you feel<br />
is a sound<br />
I can hear<br />
so clearly even<br />
over my phone's<br />
terrible connection<br />
to you. Please choose<br />
to find out<br />
if this brokenness<br />
can be repaired or<br />
needs to be surrendered<br />
as something you<br />
cannot change and are not<br />
responsible for, so we can all<br />
move on from there.<br />
Love,<br />
TMIAThe Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-85541892716645495972015-02-24T19:15:00.000-06:002015-02-24T19:15:07.769-06:00A little help here
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Last Sunday was
rough.<span> </span>I was in a lot of pain and
haven't been sleeping much, so I am not at my most tactful or kind.<span> </span>I cringed at the idea of having to shake
hands, not to mention what would happen if someone tried to hug me, but I cringed more at the thought of telling people not to touch me.<span> </span>Also, I've been trying not to let the
pain be my excuse for skipping church.<span>
</span>So I went to church,<span> </span>craving
invisibility, so I wouldn't have to shake hands or move or say anything.<span> </span>The problem with going to church right now is
that I am new at this church, so I can't just stay seated and hide away and be
antisocial like I want to.<span> </span>(Even if I
had tried to do so, people move around so much there, to make sure they greet
everybody, I would have had to keep getting up to let them past anyway).<span> </span>So I shook hands with a pained smile.<span> </span>Days later I'm still paying the price.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><div style="margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><div style="margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Why is it so hard
for me to just come up with a line to deflect people kindly?<span> </span>(I think this must be related to how hard it
is for me to say I'm sorry.<span> </span>A lot of the
same choking up and rationalizing in circles and excuses seem to occur.)<span> </span>It's kind of silly, but I hate the way
people's faces fall or they stop making eye contact when I tell them I can't
touch them/be touched, and I can't think of anything to say because I'm just so
tired, so I just don't say anything about it while I'm shaking their hand, and
it's like someone's driving spikes through my wrists, and then I pay the price
in increased pain and decreased sleep for days and have to fight even harder to
make myself go to church the next time it's Sunday morning, and I'm in
pain.<span> </span>If only I could find the perfect
words . . .</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><div style="margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><div style="margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I am convinced that
most people would hate to cause other people pain like this.<span> </span>I also think that some people hate knowing
they caused pain more than actually causing pain.<span> </span>Like maybe they'd rather cause the pain and
not know than be told to stay away.<span> </span>Did
I mention I'm not at my mental best at times like these?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><div style="margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><div style="margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I think I need
help.<span> </span>To flip the question around, for
those of you who attend warm and welcoming churches where folks greet each
other affectionately with a handshake or a hug, what could someone in pain say
to you to prevent physical contact that would leave you still feeling loved and
greeted and not awkward and offended and unlikely to ever talk to that person
again?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><div style="margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><div style="margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And if you are a
person who deals with this kind of pain, what do you say in this
situation?<span> </span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><div style="margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><div style="margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Thanks in advance
for your advice.</span></span></div>
The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-68857807330222184482015-02-22T19:28:00.001-06:002015-02-22T19:28:50.781-06:00What I want in a church (the end of the hunt?)If it were up to just me, I might want a church where I could be invisible.<br />
<br />
I would be comfortable if I could just punch in a bit late to avoid having to talk to people and punch out as soon as the service ended to avoid having to talk to people. If I had an invisibility cloak, I would wear it. I could lose control completely and cry during the singing or the sermon or whenever without fear that anyone would see and ask if something was wrong. If "church" was only a place to go once a week, a box to check off, that might be what I would want.<br />
<br />
Invisibility is not what I need.<br />
<br />
So I am looking for a church that is not big. A church where people from the community (including those from places other than the white, upper class USA) come to be broken together. A church where the doctrine is solid, but love is a verb, and people notice when you are not there and are concerned about you. A church where I can participate in the music, where I am challenged to think and to act and to be an active member of the body of Christ.<br />
<br />
And I think I've found it.<br />
<br />
Yes, we finally went church hunting with intent (with the remaining members of my small group who had not yet found a new church). We talked about what was really important (deal-breakers) and things that shouldn't be as important. We generated a list of places to look, and then we started visiting. <br />
<br />
We found outstanding messages and good community representation at this one church, but it was huge, and no one knew anyone else, so it wasn't much different from the church we used to attend. Here is where I learned that unless I can sing the music (a hymnal or worship choruses everyone knows do the trick just fine), I will not really feel like I am participating in worship, and I need to feel like I am participating. <br />
<br />
Another church was filled with only GenXers and Millenials and no real opportunities to serve in the community. <br />
<br />
The folks I was attending with sort of ran out of steam at this point. Two of us tried this other church, and I got a huge crush on it immediately. I thought they would never like it, though, because it was not the kind of traditional Baptist church I thought they were used to.<br />
<br />
But then, after the holidays, we tried it again. And again. And then they wanted to try that other church with the great pastor as a palate cleanser to see if they were just "settling" because they were tired of looking, and then they left that service early because it didn't have what they had seen at the church I was crushing on, so now we're going to this church together, a little surprised that we found something so great so quickly.<br />
<br />
I am cautiously optimistic. <br />
<br />
It is a church very much like the one I grew up in: kind of rowdy but firmly grounded in the Bible and each other. I'm pretty sure that at some point, they're going to go further than I am comfortable with towards the "charismatic" side of things, but I might just be hypersensitive because of my undergraduate college years and dead dream of teaching at my alma mater someday and thus needing to stay in very doctrinally sound (never challenging any edges) sorts of churches. We'll see how things go as two introverts, one extrovert (sort of), and two kids try to find out where we can fit in this church, where we can be ministered to and where we can use our gifts to serve others. <br />
<br />
Let the adventure continue.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://oneironwaiting.blogspot.com/2015/02/finding-church-to-belong-to-notes-from.html" target="_blank">Visit 1</a> * <a href="http://oneironwaiting.blogspot.com/2015/02/finding-church-to-belong-to-notes-from_22.html" target="_blank">Visit 2</a> * <a href="http://oneironwaiting.blogspot.com/2015/02/finding-church-to-belong-to-notes-from_77.html" target="_blank">Visit 3</a> * <a href="http://oneironwaiting.blogspot.com/2015/02/finding-church-to-belong-to-notes-from_95.html" target="_blank">Visit 4</a> * <a href="http://oneironwaiting.blogspot.com/2015/02/finding-church-to-belong-to-notes-from_27.html" target="_blank">Visit 5</a> * <a href="http://oneironwaiting.blogspot.com/2015/02/finding-church-to-belong-to-notes-from_40.html" target="_blank">Visit 6</a></div>
The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-58285303941520372582015-02-22T19:16:00.001-06:002015-02-22T19:16:55.478-06:00Finding a Church to Belong to: Notes from Visit SixVisit Six: February<br />
<br />Boy, did I need that invisibility cloak today. I really didn't want to come this morning. I hurt pretty badly (all week), and I think it's worse today. After a week of this, I am not really in emotional control and ready to be pleasant, and that nostalgia factor always makes it hard for me to avoid tears leaking out of my eyes. <br />
<br />
Is there a way for me to wear a DO NOT TOUCH sign in church without offending people? They take their greeting time seriously, and my hands already hurt so badly that I kind of can't imagine how bad it will be after all that hand shaking.<br /><br />I had to get up to let folks in and out of the row about 15 times today, and I have a bruise on both calves from my clumsiness and over-sensitivity to physical touch and the theater seats you have to shove up to let folks through. All week I have been lying to people at work as they ask how I am, and I am very prickly as a result. <br /><br />On his way out, the pastor, who recognized me even after being on a trip to Africa for the last three weeks, asked how I am, and I told him quite honestly that I'm in a lot of pain. He asked why, and I mumbled something about fibromyalgia flare-up, and he stopped his progress to the exit and prayed for me. <br />
<br />
I would give him extra points if he hadn't also put an arm around me (he was very gentle, it just doesn't matter when I’m this flared up), but since I can't imagine this happening at any other church I've visited or been a member of since I left the church I grew up in (and maybe not even there), I will give bonus points for that.<br /><br />The kids went up to the front this week to be prayed for with all the other kids. They are looking forward to next week because the kids are leading the service, and they both have jobs to perform. I think we have a winner.<br /><br />I'm still waiting for the Pentecostal shoe to drop, but it is nice to feel like a part of the greater body again, and I am not going to let my concern about potential future weirdness destroy this moment where I am right now. But I am totally going to get an aisle seat on the outside edge next time. <br />The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-19650919894864594112015-02-22T19:12:00.003-06:002015-02-22T19:22:01.996-06:00Finding a Church to Belong to: Notes from Visit FiveVisit Five: February<br />
<br />
Well, I expected to be sad, since we were covering "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted," but I seriously haven't cried that much since the last Guy Gavriel Kay book I read (his books are guaranteed to have at least a couple extended parts in them that thoroughly clean out my tear ducts). The speaker is a church member who is a professor at a local university but not a preacher, so she wrote out her message and read it (really well). It is a darn good thing I was wearing one of my washable scarves because I didn't bring my backpack in this week, so I didn't have any real tissues. And boy did I need them.<br />
<br />
After this sermon, I came to the conclusion that something I'd been struggling with every so often and unexpectedly (sudden strong anger around the whole getting hurt at work and fighting with OWCP for a decade before giving up on justice) was not necessarily a sad lack of self-control on my part but actually part of a pattern of grief I hadn't really let myself mourn through. Really unexpected but so healing.<br />
<br />
I also came to the conclusion that I need to have a very uncomfortable conversation with my family that I have been putting off. This woman's story and her conclusion that we need to do the work now, ASAP, because anything can happen punches me where I need it. No more excuses. Just do the work. The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-63989868051856458272015-02-22T19:08:00.002-06:002015-02-22T19:08:55.473-06:00Finding a Church to Belong to: Notes from Visit FourVisit Four: February<br />
<br />My small group friend holds the baby from the first week when he becomes fascinated with her. She does not like other people's babies, but she already loves this one. <br />
<br />
The pastor, who has no qualms about singing so the whole church can hear him (with a microphone, even) when the Spirit moves him, totally disrupts the worship team and tells them to skip some songs to get to one he really wants to sing. Everyone reacts with a sort of patient fortitude; no one is flustered, and several of them even joke around with him, all while not stopping the music. Whoa. That's a lot of trust.<br />
<br />
At the end of the service, the worship leader for that week makes a passionate declaration and defense for hymns, which he is, by golly, going to keep making us sing whether we want to or not. Don't get him wrong, he loves worship choruses, but they're most often love songs, and there is some deep theological truth in those hymns that it's important to sing. He gets some amens. <br />
<br />
We are into the Lent sermons, and I am surprised. Baptist Pentecostals who celebrate Lent. Who knew this was a thing?<br />The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-6540438791014679832015-02-22T19:03:00.002-06:002015-02-22T19:20:29.092-06:00Finding a Church to Belong to: Notes from Visit ThreeVisit Three: January<br />
<br />
Wondering if it is cheating on your church to want to be listening to another church's pastor's extremely insightful sermons instead of the sort of incoherent one your pastor is preaching. Because he definitely hasn't developed a spiritual gift in the teaching area in the intervening months. Despite this, I am surprised to find myself automatically taking careful notes to keep myself paying attention like I used to in college and surprised that I don't really feel like I am missing something by not having really insightful teaching to listen to. It's not heretical (yet), and it's coming out of the Bible. And this church and pastor really do have many other important things to offer.<br />
<br />
We go to the Welcome Lunch for new folks, where I learn that this church has roots in the Methodist holiness movement, the Baptist church, and the Pentecostal movement. Yes, <b>Baptist Pentecostals</b>: two words I honestly never thought would be located next to each other in this fashion. Apparently there were bunch of Baptist churches who were Pentecostals and didn't want to be part of the Assemblies of God because of its Methodist structure, so they formed the Independent Assemblies of God with the local church as the only structure.<br />
<br />
I ask the pastor lots of questions and accidentally drink from his (identical cup), which is mildly embarrassing (the cup thing, not the questions). He talks about the balance between the extreme poles of the "spirit of dead orthodoxy" and the "spirit of weird" (as he calls it). I am getting more déjà vu here because they have to ground their practices in the Bible, since they have no denomination to tell them what they can't do.<br />
<br />
The small group member who has very specific tastes in music and deep roots in the Baptist (no service can ever go over 1 hour and 15 minutes) church doesn't understand why we sing for so long and why everything takes so long, and the pastor says they have to leave room for the unexpected things the Holy Spirit might want to do. Small group man does not seem keen on this. It makes me a little sad because I was kind of hoping we could find a church we all liked, so we could keep up our several years of friendship since forming our small group, but I always knew it was likely his deal-breakers would be different from mine.The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-30110190416021325872015-02-22T18:56:00.001-06:002015-02-22T18:56:27.816-06:00Finding a Church to Belong to: Notes from Visit TwoVisit Two: January<br />
<br />
Wondering if I am just feeling nostalgia or a legitimate sense that this is a good place to be. Hard to tell through the haze of nostalgia. Everything from the cheap carpet to the home-made banners on the walls and the terrible acoustics and iffy sound system and the worship music (which we sing for at least an hour, often repeating each verse more than once) and the words from the Lord (forthtelling prophecy, usually quoted straight from Scripture) and the freedom and space to expand and repeat or just improvise praise to God: this is something I thought I would never be a part of again. <br />
<br />
I had given up on it because everything changes, even the church you grew up in, and when you come back, even if it is much like it was, you are not. I am overwhelmed by this feeling that everyone knows everyone else and is a family; it's something I have missed and decided I would never find and should stop pining after. It's so strong that I find myself thinking it must be irrational, and I need to think things through and find things out before I allow myself to attach. I tell myself not to love the pews carved with menorahs and the stars of David (I hear it used to be a synagogue). I don't want to love the huge, frosted windows if these folks are going to be crazy charismatics doing non-biblical things. I mean, how long ago did I stop looking for a church (like the one I grew up in) where they were charismatics who wouldn't do anything they didn't find in the Bible? Why is it that so frequently I find what I have stopped looking for?<br /><br />Older kid had a better time this week because a friend from his school was there, and he had to bring his Bible because they actually need to use it. Oh, yeah. My kind of kid church.<br />The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-29276009106723013172015-02-22T18:52:00.000-06:002015-02-22T18:52:45.801-06:00Finding a Church to Belong to: Notes from Visit OneVisit One: October<br />
<br />I don't get much worship in song done because I am too busy being completely choked up by the feeling that I have somehow time warped to a home I thought had been burned to the ground years ago. Holy nostalgia, Batman!<br />
<br />
There is a baby with beautiful, dark skin and a broad, placid face perfectly reflecting his disposition. He is being passed around from person to person to be held, and he seems utterly unaffected by it. <br />
<br />
The pastor seems very excited about a series they recently did about spiritual gifts where he learned that teaching is not one of his. And it's true. His message is, um, difficult to follow and a little torturous. But he doesn't really seem to mind, and nobody else does either because he has some other obvious, important pastoral gifts, and it's not like he's preaching heresy. <br />
<br />
The kids aren't really thrilled about the whole switching churches thing, so that's kind of hilarious to deal with. <br /><br />Adults Questioning: So, what did you like? <br />6-year-old answering: Um . . . Nothing really.<br />Q: Why was that?<br />A: Ummmmmm, it's complicated.<br />Q: So what didn't you like?<br />A: Ummmm, it's just really complicated.<br />Q: Thanks?The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-66021512220564017562015-02-09T20:10:00.000-06:002015-02-09T20:10:15.911-06:00Facebooks asks what
<br />
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
Facebook asks What</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
is your relationship
status</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
and I wonder if I
say</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
disinterested in
romance, </div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
will all the other
internet </div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
ad targeting things
stop </div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
showing me endless </div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
parades of single
men </div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
I am not interested
in?</div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
Too bad my option is
not </div>
<div style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11.0pt; margin: 0in;">
available this time
either.</div>
The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-51856261271779561752014-06-14T11:23:00.001-05:002014-06-14T11:23:28.485-05:00The best path<br />I told the doctor to think of me as a nun. She was doing the usual new doctor-y speechless gaping when told I am not, have never been, and have no plans to be sexually active. My humor broke the awkward silence and allowed her to laugh and stop gaping at me while trying to form a coherent thought. I should have said I was a free-agent nun. I'll try to remember that line for next time.<br /><br />I also said I was going to try to go off the thyroid med again. I'm at half of the lowest dose, I have my eyebrows back, and I'm not losing copious amounts of hair right now. I am ever-so-slightly less exhausted. Part of me wants to stay on this ultra-low dose because it's working, but doctors keep telling me that if I do, soon my thyroid will get lazy (instead of just exhausted) and stop working altogether, and that's bad. It's also, according to some doctors, probably not good to be taking the medication for a long time starting so young if I can avoid it. But right now is not a good time to start losing hair and feeling even more tired. I don't want to screw this up, but since I can't know what will happen this time I stop taking it, I can't know which choice will actually be more likely to screw things up. Welcome to adulthood?<br /><br />Since I've been tapering off the medication, I've been silently cheering my thryoid on. "You can do it!" I tell it mentally. "Go, thyroid, go!" Now that it's had crutches for a little while, surely it can walk on its own. Probably. Maybe. Eventually? I think of it like the little thyroid that could, but in real life (outside of children's storybooks), sometimes the little train that thinks it can just can't. Do I want the symptoms to return right in the middle of the stress of moving? Can I trust my malfunctioning body to get this one thing right despite everything? And if I do trust it, what if that trust is betrayed at the worst possible time? But if I stay on the medication just until the moving is done (probably some time in August), what if that pushes me past the point of no-return, and, frustrated by my lack of trust, my thyroid locks itself up in its attic room and refuses to come out ever again?<br /><br />Obviously, I could use more sleep. (Most of the docs think that would actually allow the thyroid to function normally again.) However, that's still the thing that just isn't happening here in my crappy apartment. If I move to a place where I can consistently knock all the sleep-hygiene stuff out of the park, it's possible that things will improve. If that doesn’t work, I may actually go to my last contingency plan (the one where I ask for, like, a three week supply of some drug that just totally knocks you out and then add that to the perfect sleep hygiene in a last-ditch, desperate effort to re-program my sleep [at least I'll have somewhere another person can sleep to make sure nothing wacky happens while I'm on that med]). I'm pretty sure whatever decision I make will be the wrong one, but that just means that if anything works, I will be pleasantly surprised and very grateful.<br /><br />Any thoughts?The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-69846793293182834402014-03-25T22:21:00.000-05:002014-03-25T22:21:59.654-05:00souvenirs of the Fall<br />
<br />
my shoulder blade rachets<br />
over my out of place ribs<br />
every time I reach upward<br />
and am stopped short<br />
by the painThe Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-79459484869344000552013-12-31T22:28:00.001-06:002013-12-31T22:28:23.872-06:00The power of platonic touch for men<br />
<a href="http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2013/10/masculinity-fails-men/" target="_blank">Two</a> <a href="http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/megasahd-the-lack-of-gentle-platonic-touch-in-mens-lives-is-a-killer/" target="_blank">articles</a> and a story. It is funny watching him try to hold the baby. He is so awkward. He did not grow up babysitting or helping out in nursery all the time. He holds the child too far away, at uncomfortable angles, but the baby is a smiler, and the baby smiles at him and loves him and wants to be held, and you watch him just melt before this beaming beacon of love, trust, and genial good cheer. This is why some babies are adorable: because they adore you unconditionally. <br />
<br />
He is not married, has no children. Some of his friends are having children, but, like most young marrieds with small children, their lives change so radically that they no longer really intersect his, and they don't stop to think that he might like to learn about caring for children that aren't his.<br />
<br />
It's not like he can offer to babysit to try to stay part of their lives; he doesn't have the experience and isn't comfortable with it (he might be if someone could teach him, but most parents have so little energy to spare for that).<br />
<br />
It's not like he even knew how rewarding (and challenging) the simple act of playing with children can be because when does he even get to do it? Now that he does know, I wonder if he will be less afraid to help. He will certainly be more sympathetic about how much work it is. Maybe he'll realize how kind it is to volunteer to clean or cook or do the dishes or tag-team with a person with more child-caring experience to give weary parents some time off.<br />
<br />
Maybe he'll become indispensable to his friends with small children because he will sometimes help them shoulder the burden and reap the rewards. Or maybe he'll never get the chance to play with babies again until/if he has his own.The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-23585407409255847262013-12-31T20:39:00.004-06:002013-12-31T20:41:11.037-06:00She Must and Shall Go Free, Part 3I went to see Derek Webb perform a 10th Anniversary concert for his first solo album. Here are some notes. (Part 3)<br />
<br />
After the request and new song time, it's back to SMASGF.<br />
<br />
<b>7 Awake My Soul</b><br />
I always think of this one as "No One Is Good Enough." Webb is starting to have increasing trouble with short high notes (his voice must be really getting tired/strained), but I'm amazed by how complex a sound two guitars can produce.<br />
<br />
<b>8 Saint and Sinner</b><br />
People start getting clappy, which surprises me. A lot. Not sure why they picked this song to try, but God bless 'em, they tried. Anyway, we're all complex moral beings, and just because we're saved doesn't mean our relationships with others only involve our sanctified parts. We have to accept the saint and the sinner in each other. <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"I'm not a half a man./ A saint and a sinner/ is what I am."</blockquote>
<b>9 Beloved</b><br />
This song always gets me a little choked up. He sings it with such sad, understanding warmth about the ways we enslave ourselves. <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"And now you would rather be/ a slave again than free from the law." <br />
"And don't you ever let anyone tell you/ that there's anything that you need/ but Me."</blockquote>
<br />
<b>10 Crooked Deep Down</b><br />
It's one of the most chipper songs about total depravity you will ever encounter. Webb says it's one of the oldest songs, one he played with Caedmon's Call but never recorded. He says it was "a song I wrote about Mother Teresa, Billy Graham, Manson, and Me." He also confides that he's glad he didn't try to record it before he meet Meeks, who brings an excellent, almost hillbilly sensibility to the song. Pretty much all of the lyrics are funny and thought-provoking.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"My life looks good, I do confess./ You can ask anyone./ Just don't ask my real good friends/ 'cause they will lie to you./ Or, worse, they'll tell the truth." <br />
"Good Lord, I am crooked deep down;/ everyone is crooked deep down."</blockquote>
<b>11 The Church</b><br />
The final song is one that's painful for me to listen to. When I was really feeling pushed away from my white, upper middle class, suburban church and its lack of concern for the things God says he cares for in His word, when I was really feeling like I didn't want to be around his people--because most of the ones at my church service were all broken and desperately refusing to do anything but desperately hide their brokenness behind fake smiles and casual relationships--this song gently but very firmly reminded me that I am not able to have a relationship with him without them. We are all the church, all his bride in all our broken, jagged-edged body. If we love God, we must love the people He loves, and He loves His bride so much we really can't even comprehend it. This truth didn't make it any easier to attend services on Sunday, but it made it harder for me to just give up completely. God knows how bad church people are, really, and He still tells us to love them the way he loves us, despite how bad we individually are. I cry whenever I hear this song because it is so lovely and thoughtful and true, and it is a struggle for me that hasn't gone away.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"'Cause I haven't come for only you,/ but for my people to pursue./ And you cannot care for me with no regard for her./ If you love me, you will love the Church./"</blockquote>
<br />
It's later than I expected. As much as I would like to take him up on his offer to talk after the concert, to ask the questions about the things I'm not sure I understand, I instead get up stiffly and walk off into the cold night, carefully not slipping on the patchy ice, thinking about too many things, and humming quietly.The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-47291118232275255742013-12-31T20:36:00.000-06:002013-12-31T20:41:50.316-06:00She Must and Shall Go Free, Part 2I went to see Derek Webb perform a 10th Anniversary concert for his first solo album. Here are some notes. (Part 2)<br />
<br />
Kenny Meeks plays 4 songs, and they are all different, but there is something blues-y and wistful and full of longing and soothing at the same time about his work. Real Long Day was about the day his oldest daughter got married. Shining as Stars took its inspiration from Philippians 2. We're Gonna' Rise, "written and recorded in the way of old time street parades," actually got some heads bobbing and some off-beat clapping for a bit, which is really saying a lot from people in this undemonstrative state.<br />
<br />
There are refreshments and restroom runs during the intermission, where they advertise gluten-free snacks and jokingly say they will also be serving extra gluten with a side of MSG and wonder if someone will get rich by finding a use for all that excess gluten. I am in a place unfamiliar to me, a place where they ruin perfectly good water by putting cucumbers in it. I do not belong here, or maybe I should say I don't fit in with the hipsters and the cool 30-somethings of the church. That has never really bothered me. I'm not here for them, I'm here for the music and to find out that Derek Webb is thoughtful and hopeful and not cynical. But cucumber-free water shouldn't be too much to ask for, should it?<br />
<br />
The second half starts with requested songs. There are several I want to hear (especially "This, Too, Shall Be Made Right"), but I can be quite the coward in group situations these days. <br />
<br />
<b>A I want a broken heart</b><br />
This song is from his second (and apparently worst-selling album). <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"faith in the bank and money in my heart"<br />
"the cattle on a thousand hills were not enough to pay my bills"</blockquote>
<br />
<b>B I repent</b><br />
Also from his second album. He agrees to it and then realizes he isn't sure he remembers it. He refers to it as the anti-song to the one he ranted about last year. Not sure what he means because <i>Stockholm Syndrome</i> was more than a year ago, and his most recent album was instrumental.<br />
<br />
<b>C Mockingbird</b><br />
He calls this the thesis statement on his third record, and it is a powerful and slightly tongue-in-cheek song about cliches in the church.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"I'm like a mockingbird:/ I've got no new song to sing./ I'm like an amplifier:/ I just tell you what I've heard./ "</blockquote>
<br />
<b>D Everything Will Change</b><br />
This is from his new album that has yet to be released (<i>I Was Wrong, I'm Sorry, I Love You</i>). He talks a bit about his process as a lead up. In his life, songs only show up for a reason, and he says that folks who have been following him from the beginning have heard every song he's ever written. For this record, the songs that started showing up were about questions he wanted to ask the church and issues he sees in her now, 10 years after his first album about her.<br />
<br />
He considers it a sister album, a later follow-up to the first album (the reason we are all here at this concert tonight). He said earlier that he could still stand behind everything on his first album and that he considered this fact important. He now adds, "If I agree <b>completely </b>with everything I said 10 years ago, there's something wrong with me."<br />
<br />
And then he says some important things about cynicism. He says that this song will "put to rest the idea that I'm providing proof texts for cynicism." He defines cynicism as believing there's no way this thing is ever going to change, there is no hope, deal with it. "If I really believe in a day when all sad things will become untrue, then there is nothing that my hope is wasted on."<br />
<br />
He says, "Cynicism is the opposite of the telling of the story of the kingdom." And this song tells the story of the Kingdom in a way that makes me think a bit about his Jesus autobiography song ("Lover") from earlier in this album. The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-67531089485597153912013-12-31T20:30:00.001-06:002013-12-31T20:42:43.731-06:00She Must and Shall Go Free, Part 1I went to see Derek Webb perform a 10th Anniversary concert for his first solo album. Here are some notes. (Part 1)<br />
<br />
The concert is in a tiny church repurposed as a concert venue with a stained glass taking up half the back wall, 3 shaded chandeliers, and 5 windows along the north wall with an interesting fish scale shimmery iridescence to them; great for diffusing the candle light from tables around the edges. Two fans spin up high in the ridge line of the vaulted ceiling. There are these huge, dark wooden sliding/folding doors block off the fellowship hall and make me curious. Sara Groves and her husband own this venue, and they introduce Webb.<br />
<br />
What he thinks people are coming to the show for: "He can talk about politics and vent about the church, and maybe he'll swear!" He calls the songs on the album "songs without certainty."<br />
<br />
The stage is small even though it pretty much takes up the entire short wall. Even so, Webb seems small standing up there. He's a tiny man, compact and fine-boned with his shaved head gleaming. Kenny Meeks is with him, a tall, sort of rawboned and rangy looking fellow who plays bass now and did the same on the record (along with producing it and providing the background vocals back in the day). This guy is kind of a legend in Christian music. I feel like I may have seen him at Alive '88 or something years ago. <br />
<br />
They are making things up a little. This is the first stop on the limited tour, and they've never actually practiced together. You might not know this if they didn't tell everyone. You wouldn't likely care whether you noticed or not.<br />
<br />
<b>1 Nobody Loves Me</b><br />
"I'm really glad I have a record from 10 years ago that I can still sing all of today."<br />
"I don't disagree with a word of it."<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"The truth is never sexy/ So it's not an easy sell."<br />
"So I'll do whatever it takes/to squeeze us into this wedding gown./ I'll say words that rattle your nerves/ words like sin and faith alone, now/"</blockquote>
"Lord knows I've got something to say about every one of these, but I'm going to try not to," he says. And I think, "Are you kidding?! That's what we're here for. If we just wanted to hear the album, we could do that any time. Talk a lot!" But his voice is a little rough, and he needs a lot of water, so I'll understand if he has to talk less as the night goes on.<br />
<br />
<b>2 She Must and Shall Go Free</b><br />
He says this is an orphaned hymn, one where no melody was ever written for the words, so they just used one of the 4 basic tunes. He decided to give it a tune.<br />
<br />
<b>3 Take to the World</b><br />
It's based on an Episcopal benediction and is the third song on the album . . . He points out he might arrange the album a little differently with his current knowledge.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Take to the world this rare, relentless grace."<br />
"Know you must become what you want to save/ 'Cause that's still the way that He takes to the world."</blockquote>
"If you know Caedmon's Call from the radio, you never heard any of my songs."<br />
"When Kenny Meeks makes a mistake, it's called a new revelation."<br />
<br />
<b>4 Nothing (Without You)</b><br />
The pews are going to make my hip limping sore tomorrow.<br />
"Kenny plays one note better than I play 10."<br />
<br />
<b>5 Beloved</b><br />
"The word 'Christian,' when applied to anything except a person, is a marketing term, a term used to lead consumers to the thing they want to consume. It can't mean what they want it to mean."<br />
"This song originally had about 12 verses" because he was trying to do a song about the life of Jesus. He edited it down to 5 verses, in the end, and I want to hear the other 7, too. "How do you edit the life of Jesus?" he asks rhetorically.<br />
<br />
<b>6 Wedding Dress</b><br />
The first single he wrote for this first record (but at the time, he thought it was a Caedmon's Call song). <br />
"Once you write it, there's no going back."<br />
"It is still an offensive song for me to sing. " <br />
"It's based on some of the most offensive parts of the Bible, which are there to offend us."<br />
"Ezekiel and Hosea are designed to make people uncomfortable."<br />
"I knew there would be some blushing."<br />
"If I got up to read Ezekiel 16, I could clear the room."<br />
"The comfort I got was that the most offensive parts were from the Bible."<br />
"This was the song that got the album banned."<br />
"They have every right to censor what they sell.. . . I'm comforted by the thought that the last thing to go would be the Bibles, so the offensive content is there in every store."<br />
<br />
He talks about how some people write to him as if he is angry and bitter and cynical. And I'm surprised by how very much I need for him to not be bitter or cynical. And he's not. Maybe it's just his stage persona, but I really needed it anyway. He says that cynicism is what happens when you give up hope. And he hasn't given up. He still has hope. He still believes we can be better than we are, and he still believes God loves us even when we aren't.The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-35921666377787375002013-11-20T21:53:00.001-06:002013-11-20T21:53:05.312-06:00Being Christ to the Creeper, Part IIPerhaps it boils down to this: What would Christ have me do here and now? <a href="http://oneironwaiting.blogspot.com/2013/11/being-christ-to-creeper.html" target="_blank">This poor dude</a> has fallen in my path, and I am supposed to be a good neighbor and love extravagantly. I'm supposed to meet his needs somehow because I am, as they say, the man on the ground at this moment. This strikes me as a tad absurd because, frankly, I would say this kid does NOT need ME to try to teach him to be SOCIAL. <br /><br />I am an introverted, lonerish, antisocial person by inclination. I LIKE being this way. I suppose I could teach him how to repel people less obnoxiously, but obviously, he doesn't need my help overall with that. He needs friends his own age to help him understand what is appropriate and what is not. But let's be serious: how many 18-year-olds at anime clubs do you know who have the sensitivity to notice this situation and the ability to do something to improve it? <br /><br />I'm not saying they're non-existent, but when I was in college as an upperclassman leading orientation groups, I had to reach out to some of my freshman to give them people to hang out with because their own peers couldn't do so. I tried approaching the leadership of the club to ask them to take on this responsibility (I figure it's theirs), and that . . . didn't really work. Maybe they need someone to teach them how. : ) But I was a completely different person back then in a different place, and I had that to offer. Now I don't. <br /><br />So we circle back to the question again: what would Jesus have me do besides pray for someone else to intervene? Lacking any clear messages in 30-foot letters of fire, I turn to the gallery. Your thoughts on what it means to love my neighbor in this case?<br />The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-16166961873029058362013-11-10T22:16:00.000-06:002013-11-10T22:16:50.869-06:00Being Christ to the CreeperOnce upon a time when I was younger and less physically broken, one of my jobs was befriending the lonely ones, the ones left outside the circle, the ones no one wanted. I would protect them, the pasty and overweight ones, the socially awkward, the prickly, the unattractive. Since I did not need friends or popularity or fitting in, I was free to be friends with those who needed friends but, for whatever reason, couldn't seem to make it with the regular people. I felt like it was some sort of gifting or calling, a way to use my comfortable introversion to love people like Christ commands us to. Now I am older, more physically broken and exhausted, and I don't have the energy to use this freedom any more, which is unfortunate because there's a guy at the anime club this semester who is starting to really creep me out.<br />
<br />
In the anime club, I have always been there for the anime. I have never been there to make friends, be part of the community, or fit in. I don't live on campus; I'm not a student. I do not need any friends in the club to have a nice time. This has always worked out well (once the super-friendly folks have learned to leave me alone each semester) because it's good for these kids to make friends with their peers. I have not needed to actually reach out and show kindness to an outcast when I have pretty much nothing to give. With one notable exception, I have made no friends there, and it has been lovely.<br />
<br />
Many of the folks in the anime club are a bit socially awkward. This stereotype exists because it is based in observable fact. Many of them are bad at eye contact and reading body language and understanding personal space, but they usually figure things out by the time they graduate. Most of them find their tribes, even the ones who are incredibly annoying and awkward. As a sort of maiden aunt, I watch all of this at a distance and am glad things work out, even if I am sometimes mystified. <br />
<br />
This semester has been different. This semester has been incredibly uncomfortable. This semester there is a guy who hasn't found his tribe, and he seems to want me to be his tribe because all the other natives flee screaming at his approach.<br />
<br />
I have never met anyone so terrible at understanding body language and personal space. He seems to take me scrunching up, leaning and moving away, refusing eye contact, and reluctantly talking brusquely in short answers when absolutely necessary as amazing encouragement to sit down, move cloers, be friends and talk and talk and talk about the same things 4 over and over and over again. (At least he hasn't used the words "scrotum" and "anus" since the first time he opened his mouth to talk to me several weeks ago.) He talks about his anime that he will make some day and its badass, junior-high-school-boy-humor-liking female main character and what he doesn't like about X, Y, and Z anime and about why he likes the Devil May Cry anime but hates Black Lagoon, etc., ad nauseum. (If you're an anime fan, this will seem even more annoying to you than if you aren't.) He does this to anyone who has a pulse and doesn't actually get up and just walk away. <br />
<br />
Recently, because no one else will even talk to him, he has taken to following me out to my car, chattering all the way, and ignoring my LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE body language and really fast pace because he is that desperate to connect.<br />
<br />
I know that if I want him to leave me alone, I need to just completely ignore him and not respond at all. However, he is so lonely and sad that my old reflexes kick in, and I talk sometimes, un-encouragingly and grudgingly, because I don't want him to be completely alone in silence. He is so young and so awkward, and I think he may not ever find any friends if he doesn't come across the college student equivalent of the old me soon.<br />
<br />
I probably don't have to tell you that the following me to my car thing makes me really nervous. Men I don't know in general make me wary and having to be trailed by one as I walk half a mile away to my car where there might not be anyone else around does not help. I think that I probably need to just have t<a href="http://whatever.scalzi.com/2012/08/09/an-incomplete-guide-to-not-creeping/" target="_blank">he creeper talk with him or ask the club admins to intervene</a>, but maybe I've been living in Minnesota too long (land of 10,000 ways to passive-aggressively indicate things instead of just saying them) or maybe I'm trying in a sort of half-assed way to be Jesus to this poor kid. I mean, everyone avoids him, and that's really sad (even if I totally understand why they avoid him). I was hoping someone would take him under their wing and help him understand the basics of body language, but they haven't even this far in to the semester. <br />
<br />
As maybe one of the few believers who attend the club, do I have some sort of responsibility toward him? Because I'm sure acting like I do. And as long as I sub-consciously feel responsible, I won't be able to just tell him leave me alone or ask the folks in charge of the club to intervene. Thus far, the best I've been able to do is drag my poor friend to the club to try to act as a buffer and escort to my car, and that's not fair to him.<br />
<br />
So, Christians, your thoughts? Everyone, your strategies?The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-59202722316581657662013-11-10T21:04:00.002-06:002013-11-10T21:06:04.724-06:00Notes to a college student soliciting alumni donations<ul>
<li><b>Do not </b>ask the stupid questions trying to get the alumni to remember the wonders and joys of their time at Cedarville. Our time of wonder and joy is gone, and it's been pretty well stomped on by successive administrations lacking integrity. Can there be a button to press to forward through that part of the conversation and automatically be connected to a responsible adult, so we can be really honest about why we're not supporting the school any more? Does the administration even care why alumni are not supporting them anymore, or do they just consider that the cost of doing (their view of) good kingdom business? Yes, those were good old days, and I'm sad they're gone and you won't really get to experience them. Then again, maybe you will. For all I know the same shenanigans were happening when I was a blithely ignorant student, and I managed to have an awesome time . . . </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><b>Do </b>have glib explanations ready! I suppose they might work on, um, timid and uninformed people who didn't think and debate and research for 50 hours before coming to the decision to stop donating to the institution. I was a little sad that you only had a glib explanation for the destruction of the philosophy department, but, really, it's not fair for me to expect you to know/care about the other high-level institutional shenanigans, and I can't see the alumni office expecting the alumni to know about it, so why would they prepare glib explanations for those? I know I had no idea what was going on at that level until my senior year, and I'm pretty sure you sound like, what, a sophomore?</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><b>Don't</b> play the pity card. Does it ever work? "Just think of the poor students you are hurting (by your rigid desire to only support ministries with integrity)" kind of just makes me mad. See the next point for a better way to handle the disappointment when I say I'm not going to give you money.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><b>Do </b>explain that the money you're soliciting only goes to students and not to the administration. That's pretty important. I do have to think about that a bit. I do want to bring the incredibly high tuition you current students are paying down to something slightly less ridiculous. I'd also give to a fund for the faculty who have to buffer you from all this crap. Do you know if such a fund exists? And can I separate my donations to that degree? I might need to do more research on the financials, but the administrations shenanigans DO trickle down to the students, meaning you do get influenced in ways that are not quite, in my opinion, above-board. But. I didn't choose the school because it was perfect and I agreed with everything. I chose it because it was Christian, had a good academic reputation, and was also the cheapest with the financial aid I could muster. Maybe the students who made their decisions to attend for the same reasons do deserve my financial support. But the administration decides how to use the funds, so . . . Gah. Back and forth. It's good to make people think and start going back and forth. Good for you.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><b>Do not</b> play the breezy, administrations change all the time card. This has been a concerted effort to move things in a particular direction through multiple administrators, and mowing down a lot of good administrators and educators in its path, and it's been going on for over a decade. I'm not sure that refusing to give my money will make the situation worse. Although now I wonder if that's why the tuition has gotten so high . . .
</li>
</ul>
Thanks for your time. Have a wonderful Saturday earning minimum wage. You poor schmuck.<br />
<br />
P.S. I appreciate how you didn't lie and write down that I made a pledge (which is what the guy two years ago did). The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5146358104637483494.post-22150456250914880262013-11-10T20:48:00.001-06:002013-11-10T20:56:10.581-06:00Losing your life to gain whatWhen she started to follow Jesus seriously, she gave up the thing she was best at and loved most: writing about music. Recently, as we were studying Luke 9, she wondered if that counted as laying down her life to save it. At the time, she thought it was. She couldn't see any way that her writing about secular music could lead anyone to Jesus, so she left it behind. (Oh, hyper-evangelicalism, you make me so sad.) As far as I can tell, she didn't really replace it with anything. So now she is not doing what she loves and not necessarily leading anyone to Jesus that she can see, and she is miserable (for this and many additional reasons). <br />
<br />
It seems like she is more miserable because a couple of people in the group ARE writers and see that as part of who they are in Christ. And it kindles this longing inside her that she isn't sure she shouldn't smother. <br />
<br />
I had to resist the urge to respond right away, though several things came to mind.<br />
<ul>
<li>The Bible doesn't necessarily indicate that we need to leave behind anything that isn't directly related to leading souls to the kingdom or whatever evangelical, Christianese phrase you prefer.</li>
<li>Jesus didn't tell soldiers or tax collectors to stop what they did, drop everything, and go become full-time preachers.</li>
<li>The Bible does say we should work heartily as unto the Lord, not for men or praise. </li>
<li>The Bible doesn't really indicate that vocation and avocation must be the same and anything that is not avocation must be abandoned.</li>
<li>God loves beauty and beautiful things, and good art is beautiful.</li>
<li>God sees beauty in broken things/people other people think are worthless and dirty.</li>
<li>It's okay to work hard at a craft and create beautiful things; we serve a creator God.</li>
<li>What exactly did stopping writing about what you love do to help you gain abundant life? </li>
</ul>
<br />
I shut my mouth firmly and resisted the urge to say anything or even follow up because she was Not Making Eye Contact in that skittish way she has of offhandedly revealing truths about her life that she is deathly afraid will get her judged in some way. Normally, I would not have the presence of mind to notice the body language and think thoughts and stop myself from saying them. Perhaps this gluten-free thing my doctor is having me do is a good idea. Or maybe the Holy Spirit hit the brakes for me?<br />
<br />
I really need to ask a lot of follow-up questions to get a better understanding of the situation before I start throwing out statements that she could take as judgments. (She can twist almost any statement into something she perceives as a judgment. : ) If I understand the situation better, maybe I can ease things slowly into a direction where she can think things through and make a different decision now.<br />
<br />
Things I want to know<br />
<ul>
<li>What did she write? </li>
<li>Who was her audience? </li>
<li>When did she make this decision? </li>
<li>Why, exactly did she give it up (there had to be multiple reasons beyond the simple one she tossed out there)? </li>
<li>Does she feel the same way about these reasons now? </li>
<li>Can she see a way she might be able to use her writing for a purpose she feels is more redemptive? </li>
</ul>
<br />
Any other questions you can think of that I can try to slowly and slyly trot out there so as not to scare this fragile honesty away?The Moon in Autumnhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00746463775107732805noreply@blogger.com0