Friday, December 25, 2009

Being Alone on Christmas: Merry Christmas!

My mother is worried that I'm spending another holiday alone. 

I am nearly delirious with happiness to be spending a holiday alone. You have no idea how wonderful this is for me and people like me who love solitude.

I do not have to talk to anyone.  I don't have to fake-smile at anyone.  I don't have to pretend to be interested in them just in case they are a secret shopper who could cost me my job.  I don't have to be polite to rude or drunk folks.  No one will touch my arm or any other part of my body without permission.  No one will get mad at me for not having the product they waited too long to try to find and won't have in time for the holidays.

If I smile, it's because I want to, because I am joyful, because I read something great or heard a beautiful song, because I'm figuring out how to use the camera on my phone, or because I am writing a Christmas card to someone I love.

I am alone; I can relax.  I am not on display, not on stage, not desperately trying to act coherent.

Because I don't have to talk, I don't have to hear myself slur words because of exhaustion.  I don't have to be embarrassed.  I don't have to drive anywhere.  I don't have to worry about hurting anyone if I flake out at the wheel.  I don't have to listen to the Chipmunks singing Christmas carols (that Alvin, he is such a little rascal).  I only have to listen to what I choose to hear.

I don't have to be making my arms hurt worse, and I don't have to hide the pain when they throb.  No one will see me drop anything or trip or fall over or run into things.

It's exhilarating, this being alone.  Being able to be alone, just me and God, on Christmas Day makes me think maybe I really can keep going once the madness starts up again.  Alone time is where/when/how I recharge my energy, and it has been this way for years, but my mom can't help but worry.

At least she doesn't seem concerned specifically about the fact that I'm not with a boyfriend or husband.  She really just wants us all somewhere she can see us and watch over us during the holidays.  At least, she's getting good at making it seem that way. :) 

I wish my solitude didn't cause her such worry as it causes me such joy.  I'm a little too tired to be concerned for her right now, though.  Now is a time for me to bask in the present solitude God has given me.  It's the best present anyone could give me right now.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


"Be aware that celibacy is a state totally opposed to all biological, social and emotional needs built into men and women by God."


The opportunities this gift bring make me think of another quote I read recently.

"And I realized that I have always felt like an outsider, even within my own family.  As long as you can hold on to that feeling without it eating you alive, it can open the door to the world of misfits and rejects.  Most people, though, waste no time slamming that door shut and locking every bolt."

- Russell Banks
in "Pariahs in America: A Conversation with Russell Banks"
in Salmagundi Spring-Summer 2009

It seems true.  Most people think what they really want is to be normal, and they pursue that goal of fitting in to the detriment of their natural gifts, closing down many opportunities they might otherwise have.  Why sacrifice the great things only you can do, the things God longs to do through you, merely to be perceived as normal?

Am I merely showing how gleefully abnormal I am by thinking this way?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Homosexual clergy

I admit that I do not know much about this debate, just that it is huge and in the news enough that I, with no newspaper subscription or TV, am a bit tired of hearing about it.  I'm far from fully informed of the intricacies, but I don't really get why this is such a big debate.  I mean, it shouldn't even be a debate at all, but it still is, and I wonder why.

I think it has something to do with how all the coverage never seems to cover the issue as a moral one.  The papers make it seem like anyone who opposes homosexual clergy does so for the same reason they would discriminate against clergy who don't like golf or who like to read mystery novels or who prefer chocolate almond ice cream.  But that's not at all what this is about.

I think most people who oppose homosexual clergy do so for the same reason that they oppose adulterous clergy or unmarried clergy having sex outside of biblical marriage or clergy molesting altar boys: this is a moral issue, and these things are immoral. 

In organizations based on morality, why is there such outrage over a moral issue being a determining factor in leadership?

Maybe I'm just missing something?