She Must and Shall Go Free, Part 3

I went to see Derek Webb perform a 10th Anniversary concert for his first solo album.  Here are some notes.  (Part 3)

After the request and new song time, it's back to SMASGF.

7 Awake My Soul
I always think of this one as "No One Is Good Enough."  Webb is starting to have increasing trouble with short high notes (his voice must be really getting tired/strained), but I'm amazed by how complex a sound two guitars can produce.

8 Saint and Sinner
People start getting clappy, which surprises me.  A lot.  Not sure why they picked this song to try, but God bless 'em, they tried.   Anyway, we're all complex moral beings, and just because we're saved doesn't mean our relationships with others only involve our sanctified parts.  We have to accept the saint and the sinner in each other. 

"I'm not a half a man./ A saint and a sinner/ is what I am."

9 Beloved
This song always gets me a little choked up.  He sings it with such sad, understanding warmth about the ways we enslave ourselves. 

"And now you would rather be/ a slave again than free from the law." 
"And don't you ever let anyone tell you/ that there's anything that you need/ but Me."

10 Crooked Deep Down
It's one of the most chipper songs about total depravity you will ever encounter.  Webb says it's one of the oldest songs, one he played with Caedmon's Call but never recorded.  He says it was "a song I wrote about Mother Teresa, Billy Graham, Manson, and Me."  He also confides that he's glad he didn't try to record it before he meet Meeks, who brings an excellent, almost hillbilly sensibility to the song.  Pretty much all of the lyrics are funny and thought-provoking.

"My life looks good, I do confess./ You can ask anyone./ Just don't ask my real good friends/ 'cause they will lie to you./ Or, worse, they'll tell the truth."
"Good Lord, I am crooked deep down;/ everyone is crooked deep down."

11 The Church
The final song is one that's painful for me to listen to.  When I was really feeling pushed away from my white, upper middle class, suburban church and its lack of concern for the things God says he cares for in His word, when I was really feeling like I didn't want to be around his people--because most of the ones at my church service were all broken and desperately refusing to do anything but desperately hide their brokenness behind fake smiles and casual relationships--this song gently but very firmly reminded me that I am not able to have a relationship with him without them.  We are all the church, all his bride in all our broken, jagged-edged body.  If we love God, we must love the people He loves, and He loves His bride so much we really can't even comprehend it.  This truth didn't make it any easier to attend services on Sunday, but it made it harder for me to just give up completely.  God knows how bad church people are, really, and He still tells us to love them the way he loves us, despite how bad we individually are.  I cry whenever I hear this song because it is so lovely and thoughtful and true, and it is a struggle for me that hasn't gone away.

"'Cause I haven't come for only you,/ but for my people to pursue./  And you cannot care for me with no regard for her./ If you love me, you will love the Church./"

It's later than I expected.  As much as I would like to take him up on his offer to talk after the concert, to ask the questions about the things I'm not sure I understand, I instead get up stiffly and walk off into the cold night, carefully not slipping on the patchy ice, thinking about too many things, and humming quietly.

She Must and Shall Go Free, Part 2

I went to see Derek Webb perform a 10th Anniversary concert for his first solo album.  Here are some notes.  (Part 2)

Kenny Meeks plays 4 songs, and they are all different, but there is something blues-y and wistful and full of longing and soothing at the same time about his work.  Real Long Day was about the day his oldest daughter got married.  Shining as Stars took its inspiration from Philippians 2.  We're Gonna' Rise, "written and recorded in the way of old time street parades," actually got some heads bobbing and some off-beat clapping for a bit, which is really saying a lot from people in this undemonstrative state.

There are refreshments and restroom runs during the intermission, where they advertise gluten-free snacks and jokingly say they will also be serving extra gluten with a side of MSG and wonder if someone will get rich by finding a use for all that excess gluten.  I am in a place unfamiliar to me, a place where they ruin perfectly good water by putting cucumbers in it.  I do not belong here, or maybe I should say I don't fit in with the hipsters and the cool 30-somethings of the church.  That has never really bothered me.  I'm not here for them, I'm here for the music and to find out that Derek Webb is thoughtful and hopeful and not cynical. But cucumber-free water shouldn't be too much to ask for, should it?

The second half starts with requested songs.  There are several I want to hear (especially "This, Too, Shall Be Made Right"), but I can be quite the coward in group situations these days. 

A  I want a broken heart
This song is from his second (and apparently worst-selling album). 

"faith in the bank and money in my heart"
"the cattle on a thousand hills were not enough to pay my bills"

B  I repent
Also from his second album.  He agrees to it and then realizes he isn't sure he remembers it.  He refers to it as the anti-song to the one he ranted about last year.  Not sure what he means because Stockholm Syndrome was more than a year ago, and his most recent album was instrumental.

C Mockingbird
He calls this the thesis statement on his third record, and it is a powerful and slightly tongue-in-cheek song about cliches in the church.

"I'm like a mockingbird:/ I've got no new song to sing./  I'm like an amplifier:/ I just tell you what I've heard./ "

D Everything Will Change
This  is from his new album that has yet to be released (I Was Wrong, I'm Sorry, I Love You).  He talks a bit about his process as a lead up.  In his life, songs only show up for a reason, and he says that folks who have been following him from the beginning have heard every song he's ever written.  For this record, the songs that started showing up were about questions he wanted to ask the church and issues he sees in her now, 10 years after his first album about her.

He considers it a sister album, a later follow-up to the first album (the reason we are all here at this concert tonight).  He said earlier that he could still stand behind everything on his first album and that he considered this fact important.  He now adds, "If I agree completely with everything I said 10 years ago, there's something wrong with me."

And then he says some important things about cynicism.  He says that this song will "put to rest the idea that I'm providing proof texts for cynicism."  He defines cynicism as believing there's no way this thing is ever going to change, there is no hope, deal with it.  "If I really believe in a day when all sad things will become untrue, then there is nothing that my hope is wasted on."

He says, "Cynicism is the opposite of the telling of the story of the kingdom."  And this song tells the story of the Kingdom in a way that makes me think a bit about his Jesus autobiography song ("Lover") from earlier in this album. 

She Must and Shall Go Free, Part 1

I went to see Derek Webb perform a 10th Anniversary concert for his first solo album.  Here are some notes.  (Part 1)

The concert is in a tiny church repurposed as a concert venue with a stained glass taking up half the back wall, 3 shaded chandeliers, and 5 windows along the north wall with an interesting fish scale shimmery iridescence to them; great for diffusing the candle light from tables around the edges.  Two fans spin up high in the ridge line of the vaulted ceiling.  There are these huge, dark wooden sliding/folding doors block off the fellowship hall and make me curious.  Sara Groves and her husband own this venue, and they introduce Webb.

What he thinks people are coming to the show for: "He can talk about politics and vent about the church, and maybe he'll swear!"  He calls the songs on the album "songs without certainty."

The stage is small even though it pretty much takes up the entire short wall.  Even so, Webb seems small standing up there.  He's a tiny man, compact and fine-boned with his shaved head gleaming.  Kenny Meeks is with him, a tall, sort of rawboned and rangy looking fellow who plays bass now and did the same on the record (along with producing it and providing the background vocals back in the day).  This guy is kind of a legend in Christian music.  I feel like I may have seen him at Alive '88 or something years ago. 

They are making things up a little.  This is the first stop on the limited tour, and they've never actually practiced together.  You might not know this if they didn't tell everyone.  You wouldn't likely care whether you noticed or not.

1 Nobody Loves Me
"I'm really glad I have a record from 10 years ago that I can still sing all of today."
"I don't disagree with a word of it."

"The truth is never sexy/ So it's not an easy sell."
"So I'll do whatever it takes/to squeeze us into this wedding gown./  I'll say words that rattle your nerves/ words like sin and faith alone, now/"

"Lord knows I've got something to say about every one of these, but I'm going to try not to," he says.  And I think, "Are you kidding?!  That's what we're here for.  If we just wanted to hear the album, we could do that any time.  Talk a lot!"  But his voice is a little rough, and he needs a lot of water, so I'll understand if he has to talk less as the night goes on.

2 She Must and Shall Go Free
He says this is an orphaned hymn, one where no melody was ever written for the words, so they just used one of the 4 basic tunes.  He decided to give it a tune.

3 Take to the World
 It's based on an Episcopal benediction and is the third song on the album . . .  He points out he might arrange the album a little differently with his current knowledge.

"Take to the world this rare, relentless grace."
"Know you must become what you want to save/ 'Cause that's still the way that He takes to the world."

"If you know Caedmon's Call from the radio, you never heard any of my songs."
"When Kenny Meeks makes a mistake, it's called a new revelation."

4 Nothing (Without You)
The pews are going to make my hip limping sore tomorrow.
"Kenny plays one note better than I play 10."

5 Beloved
"The word 'Christian,' when applied to anything except a person, is a marketing term, a term used to lead consumers to the thing they want to consume.  It can't mean what they want it to mean."
"This song originally had about 12 verses" because he was trying to do a song about the life of Jesus.  He edited it down to 5 verses, in the end, and I want to hear the other 7, too.  "How do you edit the life of Jesus?" he asks rhetorically.

6 Wedding Dress
The first single he wrote for this first record (but at the time, he thought it was a Caedmon's Call song). 
"Once you write it, there's no going back."
"It is still an offensive song for me to sing. "
"It's based on some of the most offensive parts of the Bible, which are there to offend us."
"Ezekiel and Hosea are designed to make people uncomfortable."
"I knew there would be some blushing."
"If I got up to read Ezekiel 16, I could clear the room."
"The comfort I got was that the most offensive parts were from the Bible."
"This was the song that got the album banned."
"They have every right to censor what they sell.. . .  I'm comforted by the thought that the last thing to go would be the Bibles, so the offensive content is there in every store."

He talks about how some people write to him as if he is angry and bitter and cynical.  And I'm surprised by how very much I need for him to not be bitter or cynical.  And he's not.  Maybe it's just his stage persona, but I really needed it anyway.  He says that cynicism is what happens when you give up hope.  And he hasn't given up.  He still has hope.  He still believes we can be better than we are, and he still believes God loves us even when we aren't.

Losing your life to gain what

When she started to follow Jesus seriously, she gave up the thing she was best at and loved most: writing about music.  Recently, as we were studying Luke 9, she wondered if that counted as laying down her life to save it.  At the time, she thought it was.  She couldn't see any way that her writing about secular music could lead anyone to Jesus, so she left it behind.  (Oh, hyper-evangelicalism, you make me so sad.)  As far as I can tell, she didn't really replace it with anything.  So now she is not doing what she loves and not necessarily leading anyone to Jesus that she can see, and she is miserable (for this and many additional reasons). 

It seems like she is more miserable because a couple of people in the group ARE writers and see that as part of who they are in Christ.  And it kindles this longing inside her that she isn't sure she shouldn't smother. 

I had to resist the urge to respond right away, though several things came to mind.

• The Bible doesn't necessarily indicate that we need to leave behind anything that isn't directly related to leading souls to the kingdom or whatever evangelical, Christianese phrase you prefer.
• Jesus didn't tell soldiers or tax collectors to stop what they did, drop everything, and go become full-time preachers.
• The Bible does say we should work heartily as unto the Lord, not for men or praise. 
• The Bible doesn't really indicate that vocation and avocation must be the same and anything that is not avocation must be abandoned.
• God loves beauty and beautiful things, and good art is beautiful.
• God sees beauty in broken things/people other people think are worthless and dirty.
• It's okay to work hard at a craft and create beautiful things; we serve a creator God.
• What exactly did stopping writing about what you love do to help you gain abundant life?

I shut my mouth firmly and resisted the urge to say anything or even follow up because she was Not Making Eye Contact in that skittish way she has of offhandedly revealing truths about her life that she is deathly afraid will get her judged in some way.   Normally, I would not have the presence of mind to notice the body language and think thoughts and stop myself from saying them.  Perhaps this gluten-free thing my doctor is having me do is a good idea.  Or maybe the Holy Spirit hit the brakes for me?

I really need to ask a lot of follow-up questions to get a better understanding of the situation before I start throwing out statements that she could take as judgments.  (She can twist almost any statement into something she perceives as a judgment. : )  If I understand the situation better, maybe I can ease things slowly into a direction where she can think things through and make a different decision now.

Things I want to know

• What did she write? 
• Who was her audience? 
• When did she make this decision? 
• Why, exactly did she give it up (there had to be multiple reasons beyond the simple one she tossed out there)? 
• Does she feel the same way about these reasons now? 
• Can she see a way she might be able to use her writing for a purpose she feels is more redemptive? 

Any other questions you can think of that I can try to slowly and slyly trot out there so as not to scare this fragile honesty away?

Because I listen to the words (Part 27)

They started a new slogan at my Christian radio station a while back.  It irritated me in the way that these things usually do when I know they are created by nice people with good intentions who just don't think things all the way through.  The first day they were trying out this new slogan, the DJ jovially identified the station call letters and then went on to say, "where you don't have to worry because the lyrics are safe for the kids."

Now, I know what this means; I speak evangelical enough to know that this means there is no swearing or talk about sex.  I know this radio station prides itself on being family friendly, positive, uplifting, encouraging, etc.  (I know this because they say it approximately 100 times a day.)  The thing is, sometimes things that are positive and encouraging and safe for the kids due to the absence of swear words and sexytimes are things you still have to worry about because they're bad theology.

I mean, maybe it's not as embarrassing for your kids to publically sing the words to Citizen Way's "Should've Been Me" as, say, "Last Friday Night" by Katie Perry.  * (See Note below.)  But do you really want them unconsciously accepting the prosperity gospel nonsense "Should've Been Me" teaches?  The song as a whole is not necessarily theologically face-palm worthy; the exception is the verse where the singer talks about how he lives in a nice house in a nice neighborhood with nice friends and a good wife and lovely children and how he feels bad that he often forgets that this is what Jesus died for.  Upon mature reflection, I would like to believe that these lyrics are another example of people just not thinking it through (possibly because it's such a nice, bouncy song, and the rest of the message is good to think about), but . . .

My very first thought after I stopped being stunned and appalled was, "Really?  You think Jesus died for your middle class yuppie American dream comfort and happiness?  That's . . . wow.  Really?  How very sad."  Because my Jesus died to take away the sins of the world and bring abundant life to the suffering victims of attempted genocide in Africa and the terrified, frequently injured in drug battles folks in South and Central America and the persecuted and imprisoned people in the Middle East and Asia and all manner of other humans who do not live middle class yuppie American dream comfortable and happy lives.  He died to give us all the same thing: eternal life as adopted children of God and membership in a universal body of believers past and present.

The thing we all share is what Jesus died to give us, not the temporary comforts some of us have because the rain falls on the righteous and the wicked.

However, I can see why "where you don't have to worry because the lyrics are safe for the kids as long as you make sure they understand the lyrics and discuss any problematic theology with them to help them learn discernment" just doesn't roll off the tongue in quite the same simple, positive way.  So of course we have to go with the one that's easier to say.  (And then we wonder why people don't bother to try to listen to and understand Christians.)

I guess this should serve as a warning to those who don't already know that mindlessly consuming "Christian culture" doesn't necessarily have fewer pitfalls than consuming "secular culture."  Just different ones.  It's a reminder for those of us who are tired and weary and don't have the energy to deal with it.  Maybe we can turn our brains off once we get to heaven, but we've gotta' leave 'em switched on down here.  It's a fallen world, and there are lies everywhere, often cleverly and attractively disguised in wrapping paper of safety and comfort.


* (Or maybe you would.  Maybe hearing your child mindlessly chirp the sad, reduced, lie of prosperity gospel in public would embarrass you more and lead to some good conversations with your kids.  If so, way to be awesome!)

Pub Singing with Jesus

It had been a while since I had been to church on a Sunday, so I found it somewhat ironic that I roused myself to go to a gospel music sing at an area pub on Sunday afternoon.  Previously I had been at the pub for sea chanty singing which was done at high volume and with passionate, often salacious, enthusiasm.  The idea of that colliding with gospel music was definitely intriguing . . .

Many of the singers are vocal about their non-religiousness, even the ones who do shape-note singing, so I really wasn't sure what to expect.  I was pleased that even the avowed pagans and atheists seemed enthusiastic.  Louder, actually, even though many of the songs were completely unfamiliar to them.  Many of the selections were from the grand tradition of the rebel Jesus, one that I find myself liking more the more I encounter it, and there were even a few I knew.

One of the best things about these sings, especially when it gets loud is that there are so many notes that you can follow someone else or pick out your own harmony.  Sometimes you can't really even hear yourself singing, so you can't tell if you're flat or sharp or on pitch.  That doesn't matter.  Sometimes I need to be reminded of that.

I think Jesus would have had a good time there hanging out with the sinners (all of us).  And I'm told the beer isn't bad.  Not a bad way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

6 years and sneaking cynicism, part 2

Anyway, I guess it's reactions like that that contribute to the thing that made me the most sad when I listened to his most recent album.  The thoughtfulness and reflection are still there, but so is a ton of bitterness.  I'm not sure it's cynicism (which is related to hopelessness)  yet, but gone is the encouraging undercurrent in She Must and Shall Go Free.  These songs are often angry in music and words.  It's a very good album, but it isn't sweet or uplifting. 

One reviewer explained the album this way, "[T]his album turns its focus on the decisions we make living in a fallen world. Specifically, how we often fall in love with things that do us harm."  Another described the theme as the way "our culture is infatuated with everything that will destroy us."

This album got a lot of hate.  I think it's probably another case of incorrect expectations on the part of listeners.  I think the album does what it sets out to do: lyrics and music match and amplify each other, and the result is powerful and thought-provoking.  However, if this isn't what you're looking for, you will be disappointed.  If so, don't blame it on the CD . . .

Webb got nominated for a Dove Award for his most recent album (an instrumental effort based on the Lord's Prayer), and his reaction seemed pretty surly (he seems like an honest person, so I can't really fault him for telling the truth about his feelings).  He said he wouldn't go to the ceremony and that he doesn't even really believe in the Dove Awards.  Some of his fans got mad and wrote some nasty comments (something he's not unfamiliar with).  I came across a good post where someone stepped up to point out something I think we often forget in the church: sometimes the best thing to do if you don't agree with a brother/sister in Christ (or anyone for that matter) is not to start screaming and attacking.  I know, call me crazy.

My favorite comment from that article: "But if people don’t tell him how ‘wrong’ he is how will they accomplish Christ’s call to go into all the world and make judgements against all nations?"

Ouch.  Webb kind of nailed it here, as well.  Truth behind the veil of sharp sarcasm.  It's true, but it also shows his hurt and frustration and bitterness.  Really, who wouldn't be bitter when facing this kind of thing?

And that brings me to a question:  how do you keep from becoming bitter or cynical when slammed again and again by the sheer weight of the behavior of sinful humanity inside the church?  The more one tries to engage with and love the church, as Webb correctly says is necessary in He Must and Shall Go Free, the more one can't help but see that the church seems to be made up of seriously sinful people who often seem incapable even thinking about and trying to figure out what a right thing to do is, let alone doing a right thing.  It's hard to admit I'm one of them.  Sigh.  But distancing myself doesn't make it any less true.

6 years and sneaking cynicism, part 1

The Ringing Bell was on sale, and I liked Derek Webb's work in Caedmon's Call, so I picked it up in 2008 or so.  It was delightful: playful, challenging, and sarcastic.  I heard that his first album (2003) was the one most people considered the best, so I wanted to pick it up, but it seemed to be out of print.  In 2010, I was given his newest album, the one so controversial that it almost didn't get released at all.  This past Christmas, thanks to the rise of the internet and an eventual rising trade in used CDs, I was given his first album.  At work this week, I was doing some repetitive work and feeling exhausted (hasn't been a good sleep week), and I had finally brought the music to work, so I decided to give it a whirl.

I had the odd experience of listening to Derek Webb's solo album Stockholm Syndrome followed immediately by his first solo album She Must and Shall Go Free.  There is something to be said for listening to albums in the order they were created and released.  However, sometimes you can't get a real sense of change when you do that.  Sometimes the change is gradual, and if you listen in order, you don't really notice the gradual shifts.  Looking at Webb's discography, it seems like there were always pretty big shifts in style, tone, or content, but the change between his first and most recent one is huge. 

Sure, the musical style is strikingly different, but it's the different in tone that kind of floored me.  She Must and Shall Go Free is this complicated love song to the church, hopeful in tone but frequently embarrassed by the truth of fallen human behavior and thinking within the church.  It's thought-provoking and true.  It made me ashamed and hopeful.

What made me lose a little hope was the response of some Christians to it.  From Wikipedia:

His first solo album, She Must and Shall Go Free (2003) is notable for causing controversy in Contemporary Christian Music circles; some Christian retailers refused to stock the album for its use of "strong" language.

One of the songs that was the basis for controversy was "Wedding Dress" where Webb compares Christians who seek fulfillment in things outside of Christ to a person committing adultery. An introspective tune, Webb writes that "I am a whore I do confess / I put you on just like a wedding dress".

Another song that generated controversy was "Saint and Sinner" where Webb wrote "I used to be a damned mess but now I look just fine, 'Cause you dressed me up and we drank the finest wine". The word 'damned' was removed from the final version of the album, at the request of two major Christian retailers.

Seriously?  This is biblical language used in appropriate situations.  Sorry it's too strong for you, Christians.

Read more about the newer album Stockholm Syndrome in the next post . . .

If you black out, you can't remember what you read

Katy Perry's single "Last Friday Night (TGIF)" is a slightly manic, bouncy, ridiculously catchy bit of pop with seriously disturbed/disturbing lyrics that get stuck in your head.  I've heard it multiple times over the last couple of weeks since I started working out at my company gym where the radio station plays it and fourteen other songs. 

Please read the lyrics.

Now, call me old-fashioned (or just old), but I've always liked to be fully conscious and able to remember my fun times with my friends.  But also, the things described in this song do not sound like fun times to me, at all.  They sound ridiculous and also impossible to do in one night with any amount of thoroughness.  Also likely illegal and potentially injurious. 

My idea of a Friday night that rules is one where I can sit and read all night alone or maybe watch something and talk to friends somewhere quiet if I'm feeling oddly social, so my definition of fun is hardly typical.  I found myself wondering if these kinds of behaviors are really what young people consider(ed) a good time, something to strive toward.  Reading comments on the song, I've had to cringe at the number of folks who see this kind of Friday night as a worthy goal.  Really? I want to ask them. Why?!

It seemed pretty over the top, so I wondered if it was satire or some sort of gleeful homage to 80s teen overindulgence movies (like Relient K's "Falling in Love with the 80s", only with more R-rated content).  The music video makes me think maybe it was intended to be one or both of these things, but most people hear the song and don't see the video. 

Do you think this is celebratory or mocking?  Do you think this is the kind of behavior average teens aspire to?  Did you ever aspire to it or experience it (or dream of it even if you were more straight-laced in your actions)?  What ultimately governed your actions?  What do you think makes this vision of teenage life attractive to some, and who do you think it attracts?

Why Jesus wept the second time

In the short-term Sunday school class our church held for Lent, I learned that those palm branches on Palm Sunday were actually a symbol of political freedom/rebellion, and that whole Hosanna thing was a cry to be saved by a king from political affliction.

No wonder Jesus cried.  He was there to save them from something much bigger than subservience to Rome, but that's not what they wanted.  And sometimes it seems like that's not what the church in the U.S. wants, either.

Jesus came to forgive us our debts, but nowadays we often seem more interested in asking Jesus to save us from debt.  We want Him to make us healthy and wealthy.  We want Him to grant us good fortune in business and better church attendance numbers.  We want Him to keep pain and conflict away from us and our children.  We want Him to make us comfortable. He wants to make us holy.  Rather incompatible desires.

Sometimes I wonder if we still think we're living in the Old Covenant, the one where obedience = physical blessing.  We think that prosperity and comfort is a sign that we are doing the right thing.  It's not.  By that standard, Jesus definitely didn't seem to be doing the right thing.  It's a good thing he brought a new covenant.  The Old Covenant didn't work out too well for God's people in terms of overall comfort, either.  Thank the Lord we live under the New Covenant.  I could never keep the law well enough to earn blessing under the Old Covenant, but it has been made available to me eternally through the gracious and terrible sacrifice of Christ who calls us to be like Him.

Personal comfort is not what He came to save us for.  It's not what He's called us to.  If people who call themselves "Christians" but pursue lives of ease and comfort and seem just as interested in worldly success as the world, how are they followers of Christ?  When the church lets the world define success for us, we fail.  God wants to give His children things that are much more than the American dream.  Why are we so eager to settle for less?

Laura Story has a new song called "Blessings."  She asks some good questions in it; it deserves an attentive listen.  (If you know anything about her life, you will find that she is testifying from personal experience.)  "You love us way to much to give us lesser things," she says.  The easy way of comfort is not the way we are called toward.  We are called to something greater.

The biblical Jesus never promised us comfort.  In fact, He called us to take up our crosses and follow Him. (He went on to unfair torture and death [and resurrection]).  He called us to love and to give and to serve and to sacrifice.  He called us to a life of persecution and disfavor.  He called us to be crazy as far as the world is concerned.  He did not call us to be happy.  He did not call us to charmed lives where nothing ever goes wrong.  This is not how He shows His favor under the New Covenant.  Prosperity is not how people can tell to whom we belong.

If you're getting too comfortable, maybe it's time to rethink, reread, and do some serious praying.  Which is what I'm doing right now.  Care to join me?

Hulk Smashing, rage, and radio DJs

"You are more than the choices that you've made;
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes;
You are more than the problems you create . . ."

The lyrics come from a powerful, new Tenth Avenue North song.  "Remade" is thought-provoking and gentle and tough at the same time.  It's about and for believers who've screwed up and destroyed their lives and feel worthless and hopeless because of their sins and consequences.

On New Year's Day, my least favorite DJ at the local Christian radio station dedicated a song to "All those lonely single people out there since the holidays can be tough on people who don't have family around them and who are wondering if they will ever find a loving person to share their lives with."  It was "Remade." 

I got mad.  Like the Hulk gets mad.  I think I actually saw black for a second there.  I was seriously enraged on behalf of those who shouldn't be tarred with that particular brush simply for not dating or being married to anyone at the moment.

I could not believe anyone could possibly be so callous as to imply what she was implying.  I just couldn't.  I know that DJ is shallow and thoughtless and ditzy, and that's her DJ shtick, but is it really possible to be so insensitive as to not realize what you're telling people when you connect their singleness with a song about the consequences of terrible, sinful choices destroying lives such that believers can't get all those mistakes out of their minds to the point where their focus on their sinful, bad choices is destroying their relationship with God?  Seriously?

That's it.  I'm reading Singled Out: Why Celibacy Needs to be Reinvented in the Modern Church post haste.  Maybe I'll send the DJ a copy of it with a nice note thanking her for making whoever listened to that either livid, miserable, or more misinformed. 

Happy New Year to you, too, Ms. DJ.  If I never listen to you again, that would make my new year much happier.  On the positive side, thanks for giving me that extra push to read a book that will be sure to make me think.


So, do you think I'm overreacting?  Am I overlooking something here?  Do you agree that singleness (with celibacy) is a sinful choice?

Celebrating a song I like

I've complained about songs that are theologically irritating to me, so I figured I should praise songs that I find to be theologically excellent.

"No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts is a great song. It emphasizes something that's important but maybe not emphasized enough. It's best encapsulated by a quote from the chorus.

"I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain,

but if not

I’ll trust you

no matter what."

Amen, sister.

I feel like our prayers are often a tad anemic. Or maybe "incomplete" is a better word. We pray that God will take away the trial, the pain, the difficult or unfair circumstance or situation. And we get angry when He doesn't, as if it's His job to make our lives comfortable and easy.  What kind of love is that?

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, 

and naked I shall return. 

The Lord gave; 

the Lord has taken away. 

Blessed be the name of the Lord." 

(That's from Job, but I remember it because it's from a song by Brent Bourgeois.)

People talk about trusting in the promises of God.  When they said it to me as I was going through a rather long and drawn-out trial, they said it in a way that indicated that the promises of God were for ease and comfort (which they aren't).  And this song really talks about why.

So much of the song is quotable that I just advise you to read all the lyrics.  But I can't resist one more bit.

"Anything I don’t have

You can give it to me,

but it’s OK if You don’t.

I’m not here for those things . . ."

Again, amen. So take a listen, and think about the words and maybe pray them. There's a lot of truth here. I'm so glad God made music.

Pop music vs. theology, part x

In the "Kimberly Thinks Too Hard about Song Lyrics" series, we have the Amy Grant single released this year "Better Than A Hallelujah."  It's pretty catchy.  It just has this one troublesome bit that I can't get past.

"We pour out our miseries;

God just hears a melody."

Erm, really?  Is that really what God hears when we pour out of hearts to him?  He doesn't hear what we say, just noise?  No signal, just noise?

I've tried to just not think about that line.  I've tried to get wrapped up in the emotion of the song and what it's trying to say, not what it does say. 

Aaaaaand I just can't.

Any thoughts?

Potentially Injurious Trips Down Memory Lane (Part 3)

I met up with an old acquaintance from an anime club I have belonged to for years (he was a member about four years ago). We were both volunteering in the choir for a September 11 memorial event, and we chatted a couple of times during 10 minute breaks at two rehearsals.

Back when I knew him, he had no interest in music, so I was surprised to reunite with him unexpectedly in a church basement.  He explained that there was a bad breakup, and he was lonely, and he believed in God and someone asked him to be in a church choir, and he just fell in love with the energy of making something spectacular with a group that couldn't be made alone.

Before the concert tonight, he said something true and hilarious.  "I was thinking back to when I knew you in anime club, and the way I remembered it, you were . . .  Well, the few times I decided to talk to you because, well, because you looked kinda cute, you . . . didn't seem very interested in talking much.  But this time, you don't seem like that at all."  Very diplomatic for such a straightforward person.

I suppose I could have said

• that it was a normal reaction to being thrown into a situation where I expected to know no one and unexpectedly finding someone that I knew, mostly from conversations overheard in anime club years ago. 
• that I knew I shared music with all of the other volunteers, but it was a pleasant surprise to find someone with whom I had another shared interest.
• that I act standoffish for a lot of reasons, including a desire to prevent any boys from being attracted to me), but am a shameless eavesdropper who likes to know about but not interact with (probably causally related to my being a writer and my ability to sort of naturally tamp down my presence so tight that I'm constantly scaring people who don't realize I am there and accuse me of having ninja powers). 
• that my mentor recently suggested that I consider writing some sort of article about why being in choirs was so important to me and starting by asking friends with various levels and years of commitment to music why they love it, and finding a casual acquaintance who had suddenly developed a love of choral music could lead to some great research and maybe even a nice interview.

I just told him that in larger group contexts where I will be spending a lot of time, I don't have the energy to interact with people (true), and he nodded and said that he knew people like that, but he loved talking to people (obviously).

I'm afraid in my happiness at finding myself not alone among strangers, I have introduced him to that softer, excited side that seems to make men want to date me, and this is unfortunate because I don't have any interest in dating, just in friendship, but that's not enough for most men.

This is especially unfortunate in retrospect because apparently there has since been another breakup.  I learned this after I gave him my card because I shamelessly hoped he would contact me, so I could interview him for my choral music essay.  After I gave him the card, he said something like, "Ah, well, this certainly eliminates the need for me to come up with a cunning plan to ask if it would be all right for us to stay in touch after this."  Ha, ha, I laughed at the time because I didn't know about the more recent breakup and thus did not suspect any ulterior motives.

Do I set myself up for this stuff or what?!  I swear I don't do it on purpose!  I only notice later, too late.

It makes me angry.  It's like I can't let out any of the aspects of my personality and my self that are full of passion and enthusiasm because if I do so around boys, they end up liking me.  How ridiculous is it that this is a problem for me when so many others so desperately want people to like them like that? 

I get a little surly with my situation sometimes.  What, I demand, so I can't like people, have interests, and want to be friends at all, or this will keep happening?  That's just stupid.  But it keeps happening.  It's making me afraid to be me, afraid to make real friends.  It feels wrong that I should have to be so cold around half the population of the earth just in case.  Grrrr.  This is messing with my attempts to more actively love and care about the people around me and pry myself out of my beloved solitude.  Rawr.

So my thought--after he talked about calling me sometime soon (and after I then told him I respond to email better than cell phones, partially because this is true and partially because cell phone conversations caused my downfall with another male friend and partially because email seems less able to communicate whatever it is that makes people want to date me)--was that if he gets in contact with me, the first thing I should do is casually point him towards all my blogs with the hope that he will read the introductory essay to this one, thus saving me the need to

1. break his heart in the future or 
2. start our next conversation with "I'm celibate and happy about it and have no interest in dating, marriage, sex, or anything other than great friendship."  

I hope it saves us both some angst.

It just feels so wrong . . .

Any suggestions, points, comments?