Being Alone on Christmas: Merry Christmas!

My mother is worried that I'm spending another holiday alone. 

I am nearly delirious with happiness to be spending a holiday alone. You have no idea how wonderful this is for me and people like me who love solitude.

I do not have to talk to anyone.  I don't have to fake-smile at anyone.  I don't have to pretend to be interested in them just in case they are a secret shopper who could cost me my job.  I don't have to be polite to rude or drunk folks.  No one will touch my arm or any other part of my body without permission.  No one will get mad at me for not having the product they waited too long to try to find and won't have in time for the holidays.

If I smile, it's because I want to, because I am joyful, because I read something great or heard a beautiful song, because I'm figuring out how to use the camera on my phone, or because I am writing a Christmas card to someone I love.

I am alone; I can relax.  I am not on display, not on stage, not desperately trying to act coherent.

Because I don't have to talk, I don't have to hear myself slur words because of exhaustion.  I don't have to be embarrassed.  I don't have to drive anywhere.  I don't have to worry about hurting anyone if I flake out at the wheel.  I don't have to listen to the Chipmunks singing Christmas carols (that Alvin, he is such a little rascal).  I only have to listen to what I choose to hear.

I don't have to be making my arms hurt worse, and I don't have to hide the pain when they throb.  No one will see me drop anything or trip or fall over or run into things.

It's exhilarating, this being alone.  Being able to be alone, just me and God, on Christmas Day makes me think maybe I really can keep going once the madness starts up again.  Alone time is where/when/how I recharge my energy, and it has been this way for years, but my mom can't help but worry.

At least she doesn't seem concerned specifically about the fact that I'm not with a boyfriend or husband.  She really just wants us all somewhere she can see us and watch over us during the holidays.  At least, she's getting good at making it seem that way. :) 

I wish my solitude didn't cause her such worry as it causes me such joy.  I'm a little too tired to be concerned for her right now, though.  Now is a time for me to bask in the present solitude God has given me.  It's the best present anyone could give me right now.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Gifts/Opportunities

"Be aware that celibacy is a state totally opposed to all biological, social and emotional needs built into men and women by God."

Woohoo!

The opportunities this gift bring make me think of another quote I read recently.

"And I realized that I have always felt like an outsider, even within my own family.  As long as you can hold on to that feeling without it eating you alive, it can open the door to the world of misfits and rejects.  Most people, though, waste no time slamming that door shut and locking every bolt."

- Russell Banks
in "Pariahs in America: A Conversation with Russell Banks"
in Salmagundi Spring-Summer 2009

It seems true.  Most people think what they really want is to be normal, and they pursue that goal of fitting in to the detriment of their natural gifts, closing down many opportunities they might otherwise have.  Why sacrifice the great things only you can do, the things God longs to do through you, merely to be perceived as normal?


Am I merely showing how gleefully abnormal I am by thinking this way?

Homosexual clergy

I admit that I do not know much about this debate, just that it is huge and in the news enough that I, with no newspaper subscription or TV, am a bit tired of hearing about it.  I'm far from fully informed of the intricacies, but I don't really get why this is such a big debate.  I mean, it shouldn't even be a debate at all, but it still is, and I wonder why.

I think it has something to do with how all the coverage never seems to cover the issue as a moral one.  The papers make it seem like anyone who opposes homosexual clergy does so for the same reason they would discriminate against clergy who don't like golf or who like to read mystery novels or who prefer chocolate almond ice cream.  But that's not at all what this is about.

I think most people who oppose homosexual clergy do so for the same reason that they oppose adulterous clergy or unmarried clergy having sex outside of biblical marriage or clergy molesting altar boys: this is a moral issue, and these things are immoral. 

In organizations based on morality, why is there such outrage over a moral issue being a determining factor in leadership?

Maybe I'm just missing something?

a quote about love and choice

"When love is not a choice, it is a sickness."

from "A Brief History of My Heart" by Rochard Katrovas
on page 22 of Mid-American Review v. XXIX, No. 2

This essay is powerful and simple.  Check it out if you're near a library.


What do you think?  How much of love is an act of the will?

What if I don't want to?

According to the marketing copy on an extremely popular Christian self-help book, all women have a God-given longing to be loved, taken care of, and treated like princesses; they want a man to provide these things for them, and that's good and natural, so they get married. 

But what if it's not like that?  What if it's not absolute?  How does such an absolute statement affect people for whom it's not true?

Mostly, it just irritates me, to be honest.  I have no idea how it affects anyone else who it shuts out for whatever reasons. 

I suppose that since I love words and meanings, I just get a bit hot under the collar about absolutes that aren't true, especially when they're flung around by people who are invested in absolute truth.

I'm sure it's true that many women have these innate desires.  I guess I'm just not sure why we can't say it that way instead of insisting that something is true of all women.  Am I splitting hairs?  Just being surly and rebellious because I like defying absolutes?  I don't know.  Maybe.

Or maybe I'm just being honest about the power words have to hurt even (especially) if they're not true.  What this book seems to be telling me is that there is something wrong with me if this absolute does not apply to me.  I've been wondering if there was something wrong with me for years; I don't really need any encouragement to feel left out. 

I'm just glad I had already figured out what's "wrong" with me before I saw this book.  I guess those with the gift of celibacy will always be outside, in a way, and that is a blessing that sometimes feels like a curse.  I wonder what I can do to help the next generation of kids growing up feeling ostracized by the spiritual gift of celibacy to help them not overcompensate like I think a lot of them do.

Any thoughts?

Let's fight!

Sometimes I want to argue.  It's stated somewhat in the title of this blog and the verse behind it, but it's been frustrating me lately that no one will help me out by having a good, sensible argument. 

I need friends who will discuss, talk, and argue with me, especially about controversial issues or things I want to hear different opinions about.  I think most of my friends are too nice to do this, even if it's just in writing, even when I'm pretty obvious about it.  So here's hoping a more anonymous forum might result in some good points of view from whoever it is that actually reads this blog.

The books that raised the questions are the Night Angel Trilogy by Brent Weeks.  These books are really, really dark and deal with a lot of filth, sin, grace, death, and redemption.  There are a lot of 'scenes' that contain content that would be offensive to many Christians.

One of my friends about the book: "I don't think I could bring myself to produce that many swear words and 'scenes' in a book and still claim to be a Christian . . ."

Some questions about art in general and books in particular:

a. Is it okay for Christians to read such books?
b. Should we limit ourselves to only reading what does not offend any of our brothers and sisters? 
c. Should we limit ourselves to only reading what does not offend any of our brothers and sisters in front of them?
d. Is this the same as hiding it from them/lying to them?
e. Is depiction the same as endorsement?

I ask these questions sincerely as a reader, a writer, and a believer.   I am truly interested in your answers, whatever they are.  Please fight among yourselves. :)

The joys of being hit on in retail

I'm having a bit of a hard time at work.  I used to be the only female at the store that didn't get hit on.  I was allowed to use my natural reserve as a barrier.  I could help people without being ridiculously, fake-y chipper.  Recently, my RetailEstablishment instituted new policies, and I was basically told I had to harass customers in a specific, scripted fake-cheerful way, or I would get fired.

Since then, I've been hit on 2.5 times this week.  Once by a possibly senile man in his eighties, once by a semi-regular customer, and once by a new customer who asked another employee what my name was, so he could hit on me but was then overcome with shyness and only asked me if I was active on any internet sites or forums (should've given him this one, eh?).  I heard about that last one later.  Apparently, when I pointed out a not-well-posted sale I thought he might've been interested in, he thought I was kind of cute.

I wonder if I'm the only one not-at-all flattered when people hit on me, no matter who they are.


Why do you suppose so many people can't tell the difference between fake retail/sales friendliness and actual, genuine interest (possibly of the relationship variety)?