Back when I knew him, he had no interest in music, so I was surprised to reunite with him unexpectedly in a church basement. He explained that there was a bad breakup, and he was lonely, and he believed in God and someone asked him to be in a church choir, and he just fell in love with the energy of making something spectacular with a group that couldn't be made alone.
Before the concert tonight, he said something true and hilarious. "I was thinking back to when I knew you in anime club, and the way I remembered it, you were . . . Well, the few times I decided to talk to you because, well, because you looked kinda cute, you . . . didn't seem very interested in talking much. But this time, you don't seem like that at all." Very diplomatic for such a straightforward person.
I suppose I could have said
- that it was a normal reaction to being thrown into a situation where I expected to know no one and unexpectedly finding someone that I knew, mostly from conversations overheard in anime club years ago.
- that I knew I shared music with all of the other volunteers, but it was a pleasant surprise to find someone with whom I had another shared interest.
- that I act standoffish for a lot of reasons, including a desire to prevent any boys from being attracted to me), but am a shameless eavesdropper who likes to know about but not interact with (probably causally related to my being a writer and my ability to sort of naturally tamp down my presence so tight that I'm constantly scaring people who don't realize I am there and accuse me of having ninja powers).
- that my mentor recently suggested that I consider writing some sort of article about why being in choirs was so important to me and starting by asking friends with various levels and years of commitment to music why they love it, and finding a casual acquaintance who had suddenly developed a love of choral music could lead to some great research and maybe even a nice interview.
I just told him that in larger group contexts where I will be spending a lot of time, I don't have the energy to interact with people (true), and he nodded and said that he knew people like that, but he loved talking to people (obviously).
I'm afraid in my happiness at finding myself not alone among strangers, I have introduced him to that softer, excited side that seems to make men want to date me, and this is unfortunate because I don't have any interest in dating, just in friendship, but that's not enough for most men.
This is especially unfortunate in retrospect because apparently there has since been another breakup. I learned this after I gave him my card because I shamelessly hoped he would contact me, so I could interview him for my choral music essay. After I gave him the card, he said something like, "Ah, well, this certainly eliminates the need for me to come up with a cunning plan to ask if it would be all right for us to stay in touch after this." Ha, ha, I laughed at the time because I didn't know about the more recent breakup and thus did not suspect any ulterior motives.
Do I set myself up for this stuff or what?! I swear I don't do it on purpose! I only notice later, too late.
It makes me angry. It's like I can't let out any of the aspects of my personality and my self that are full of passion and enthusiasm because if I do so around boys, they end up liking me. How ridiculous is it that this is a problem for me when so many others so desperately want people to like them like that?
I get a little surly with my situation sometimes. What, I demand, so I can't like people, have interests, and want to be friends at all, or this will keep happening? That's just stupid. But it keeps happening. It's making me afraid to be me, afraid to make real friends. It feels wrong that I should have to be so cold around half the population of the earth just in case. Grrrr. This is messing with my attempts to more actively love and care about the people around me and pry myself out of my beloved solitude. Rawr.
So my thought--after he talked about calling me sometime soon (and after I then told him I respond to email better than cell phones, partially because this is true and partially because cell phone conversations caused my downfall with another male friend and partially because email seems less able to communicate whatever it is that makes people want to date me)--was that if he gets in contact with me, the first thing I should do is casually point him towards all my blogs with the hope that he will read the introductory essay to this one, thus saving me the need to
- break his heart in the future or
- start our next conversation with "I'm celibate and happy about it and have no interest in dating, marriage, sex, or anything other than great friendship."
I hope it saves us both some angst.
It just feels so wrong . . .
Any suggestions, points, comments?