Can she somehow tell how much I want to? Maybe it's a good thing I haven't gotten any of those government jobs.
If I did get offered a good government job, I think I would give up on this dream of teaching college. I would keep writing, I think, because I can't stop, but I wouldn't have to feel guilty about not being published, wouldn't have to keep submitting things or worrying about submitting things because if I'm not trying to get a teaching job by being published (since I can't get any experience), then I don't need to be published. That would be several loads off my mind. Is this laziness?
I would have more time to read and maybe try to see how I could use my love of reading and writing to help foster kids. I could try other dreams, be open to unexpected, new dreams and opportunities. Of course, I would think of myself as a quitter, but the bills would be paid, and I would be more at peace, so the trade-off would be worth it, right?
In Bebo Norman's song "Pull Me Out," there's a line I really love about not knowing if your troubles are a test about holding on or letting go. How do you tell the difference between being stubborn and being tenacious?
I don't think that success is necessarily the criteria because God doesn't promise us success. Is this about my heart? About my attitude? I don't know. Can contentment and ambition live with each other?
Sometimes, you don't get what you want until you stop reaching. A lot of married couples have said that sort of thing recently. "I stopped looking, and then I found him/her." Other happily ended stories are about dogged pursuit. Some sad stories are about not knowing your own limits; others are about giving up too soon. How do you know which situation you're in?
Am I getting more comfortable here in limbo, avoiding the smugness of knowing, of clearly seeing in hindsight?
Today, again, I pray my usual prayer, "Please help me, God." At least, I'm pretty sure that's the right prayer, no matter what the situation.
I don't know if I can say anything to this without it seeming trite. But the best I've come up with, personally, is that there are definite seasons to life, some of which I like much more than others, and all of which pass and change given time.
ReplyDeleteOf the things I've hoped for- a loving husband, academic success, a job in a bad job market, good church family, healthy family relationships- I'm learning that they're not easy to come by. So I figure that however much I get is coming to me as proof that God is active in my life. And then when it gets good, I get terrified that I've somehow used up my share of good luck, which I'm learning doesn't give God much credit. So... keep at it hard, and let go, at the same time? Don't know.
I do think, though, that at least some kinds of discontent derive from the way we're wired, and tell us that we aren't yet in a place where we can find satisfaction using the gifts God has given us, so it's still worth striving.
Well put. Thank you for giving an answer. :) Forward momentum will return someday! Maybe.
ReplyDelete"So I figure that however much I get is coming to me as proof that God is active in my life. And then when it gets good, I get terrified that I've somehow used up my share of good luck, which I'm learning doesn't give God much credit."
Yeah. I'm really coming to terms with the literal meaning of a fallen, broken world. It means that everything is broken and nothing works right, and doing your best and loving Jesus don't equal whatever results you want (comfort, safety, financial security, whatever you value more than loving God). Basically, God loving you and you loving Him doesn't mean you will succeed the way you want to. Really hard lessons, especially in the US in a culture that loves the prosperity gospel.
"So... keep at it hard, and let go, at the same time? Don't know."
In my ever-lengthening experience with them, the best doctors are the honest ones who say they don't know when they don't. Thanks, doc. :)
:)
ReplyDeleteOne of these days I'll finish my dissertation, and you can call me "Dr. Lizzie" like Paul plans to!
Don't give up. :p
ReplyDelete