Well, now that I've had a positive performance review at work, I have more to think about. I mean, when I say that I focus on the job I have now, I don't mean in a corporate ladder climbing sort of way. I have no interest in that.
It's funny to think back. When I graduated from college, I would have been the go-getter whose work-life balance was way out of whack. I would have been interested in everything and tried to do too much and kind of been a know-it-all out of sheer curiosity.
That is not what I want or need or can do now, so I spent the first year trying to make sure to set managements' bar of expectations low for me. I didn't want them to expect more from me than I was capable of giving, so I used my slacker voice, dressed really casually, made sure they knew about my disability and diminished capacities.
And they still liked what I did (even if I was slow at it or got sick at bad times), which makes me happy. After years of ridiculous and pointless and terrible (below my expectations) reviews at RetailEstablishment, it felt nice to get a raise (even a "small" one) and kind feedback from peers and managers.
But.
I can't throw teaching over the side of the boat based on a good performance review. My first two reviews at RetailEstablishment were good before they started bringing in terribly incompetent managers, changing their policies to be more misguided and inefficient, and generally making increasingly terrible management decisions. These are things that could happen at any business, including my current employers. I have to remember my new policy of keeping my expectations low, remembering my increasing limitations, not taking on too much and grinding myself down.
What will I do if I give up on teaching now and find myself 5 or 10 years down the road hating my job and unable to get back into teaching because I don't have any recent experience? But what will I do if I try to do too much now (teaching and full time work) and resent teaching for all it's taken away from me in 5 or 10 years?
Any suggestions of angles I'm not considering?
The best I can say is that I think you're making a good, careful choice.
ReplyDeleteFinding that balance is going to be hard, that's obvious... But I think anything else would be a way of letting yourself down.
As your friend, I'd be awfully sad if you gave up on your dream. This middle road seems like the best choice. And yay raises. Money shouldn't be a goal for itself, but it's nice to have all the same.
Heh. I wish a raise meant I had more money instead of less debt. : )
ReplyDeleteI also forgot to mention that I have to consider that my current job is not necessarily secure since my industry and my company's stock prices aren't doing that great. Sigh. This is hard.
Thanks for the comments!