Last Sunday was
rough. I was in a lot of pain and
haven't been sleeping much, so I am not at my most tactful or kind. I cringed at the idea of having to shake
hands, not to mention what would happen if someone tried to hug me, but I cringed more at the thought of telling people not to touch me. Also, I've been trying not to let the
pain be my excuse for skipping church.
So I went to church, craving
invisibility, so I wouldn't have to shake hands or move or say anything. The problem with going to church right now is
that I am new at this church, so I can't just stay seated and hide away and be
antisocial like I want to. (Even if I
had tried to do so, people move around so much there, to make sure they greet
everybody, I would have had to keep getting up to let them past anyway). So I shook hands with a pained smile. Days later I'm still paying the price.
Why is it so hard
for me to just come up with a line to deflect people kindly? (I think this must be related to how hard it
is for me to say I'm sorry. A lot of the
same choking up and rationalizing in circles and excuses seem to occur.) It's kind of silly, but I hate the way
people's faces fall or they stop making eye contact when I tell them I can't
touch them/be touched, and I can't think of anything to say because I'm just so
tired, so I just don't say anything about it while I'm shaking their hand, and
it's like someone's driving spikes through my wrists, and then I pay the price
in increased pain and decreased sleep for days and have to fight even harder to
make myself go to church the next time it's Sunday morning, and I'm in
pain. If only I could find the perfect
words . . .
I am convinced that
most people would hate to cause other people pain like this. I also think that some people hate knowing
they caused pain more than actually causing pain. Like maybe they'd rather cause the pain and
not know than be told to stay away. Did
I mention I'm not at my mental best at times like these?
I think I need
help. To flip the question around, for
those of you who attend warm and welcoming churches where folks greet each
other affectionately with a handshake or a hug, what could someone in pain say
to you to prevent physical contact that would leave you still feeling loved and
greeted and not awkward and offended and unlikely to ever talk to that person
again?
And if you are a
person who deals with this kind of pain, what do you say in this
situation?
Thanks in advance
for your advice.