Tuesday, February 24, 2015

A little help here


Last Sunday was rough.  I was in a lot of pain and haven't been sleeping much, so I am not at my most tactful or kind.  I cringed at the idea of having to shake hands, not to mention what would happen if someone tried to hug me, but I cringed more at the thought of telling people not to touch me.   Also, I've been trying not to let the pain be my excuse for skipping church.  So I went to church,  craving invisibility, so I wouldn't have to shake hands or move or say anything.  The problem with going to church right now is that I am new at this church, so I can't just stay seated and hide away and be antisocial like I want to.  (Even if I had tried to do so, people move around so much there, to make sure they greet everybody, I would have had to keep getting up to let them past anyway).  So I shook hands with a pained smile.  Days later I'm still paying the price.

Why is it so hard for me to just come up with a line to deflect people kindly?  (I think this must be related to how hard it is for me to say I'm sorry.  A lot of the same choking up and rationalizing in circles and excuses seem to occur.)  It's kind of silly, but I hate the way people's faces fall or they stop making eye contact when I tell them I can't touch them/be touched, and I can't think of anything to say because I'm just so tired, so I just don't say anything about it while I'm shaking their hand, and it's like someone's driving spikes through my wrists, and then I pay the price in increased pain and decreased sleep for days and have to fight even harder to make myself go to church the next time it's Sunday morning, and I'm in pain.  If only I could find the perfect words . . .

I am convinced that most people would hate to cause other people pain like this.  I also think that some people hate knowing they caused pain more than actually causing pain.  Like maybe they'd rather cause the pain and not know than be told to stay away.  Did I mention I'm not at my mental best at times like these?

I think I need help.  To flip the question around, for those of you who attend warm and welcoming churches where folks greet each other affectionately with a handshake or a hug, what could someone in pain say to you to prevent physical contact that would leave you still feeling loved and greeted and not awkward and offended and unlikely to ever talk to that person again?

And if you are a person who deals with this kind of pain, what do you say in this situation? 

Thanks in advance for your advice.

25 comments:

  1. One of my friends posted this on social media, and there were some good responses I wanted to capture here to keep them together. I'll number them, but here was my friend's post:

    So what would you do if you suffered from chronic pain and found it agonizing to run the gauntlet of affectionate hand-shaking and hugging that happens at churches/other social gatherings? My friend would really appreciate suggestions to handle this tactfully

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  2. 1. I might be wrong but think a majority of people can pick up simple social cues that you are abstaining from touch. During flu season I often give this prompt at the passing of the peace that its okay just to wave or give a clasped fist sign to prevent the spreading of germs and I observe many people using it "successfully".

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  3. 2. What is wrong with simple honesty? Just say no?

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  4. 3.
    Some organizations have used a system of color codes to indicate
    levels of touch that are acceptable. They could be used in a button; some conferences have put colored dots on name tags. 

    There are some of other reasons why people are not comfortable with touching - being a survivor of sexual violence, PTSD, flu season (as mentioned above) for both people avoiding getting sick or who don't want to share a cold.

    I think it's great that you are thinking about how to respectfully convey and honor you community members' needs regarding physical contact. I suspect the head of your church is in a good position to create a new social norm.

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  5. 4.
    I think the individual is on the right track in trying to come up with a quick line that communicates that they can't engage in physical contact, but appreciates the sentiment. Before deciding on what they could say, I would wonder if they're willing to explain the actual reason(specific medical condition?), give a vague reason(I have a lot of join pain right now), or tell a white lie( i have arthritis in my wrists and shoulders).

    If i came up to someone with intention of greeting them(handshake or hug) and they put their hand up in a "stop" gesture, smiled, and said "I'm sorry, I can't shake hands/hug today, (insert line here)", I wouldn't be offended at all. The individual could even go so far as to reach out and gently touch the other person on the shoulder to show appreciation, and possibly serve as an example of an appropriate way to greet next time.

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  6. 5. I'm kind of with you on the straightforward honesty, but then I imagine that the pain itself is so exhausting, and explaining it gets so tedious, that after a while you come to dread the whole encounter. People can be surprisingly oblivious to body language, and the force of their affection can be so strong that they're really upset when rebuffed, or miserable to think of the pain they've caused you before. And when you're already physically and emotionally exhausted, you want to be invisible and not have to help other people negotiate their emotions on top of dealing with your own challenges. (I can relate to a surprising amount of this after going through pregnancy with twins, and that, thank God, wasn't a chronic thing!)

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  7. 6. There is a man at our church that I call "The Hand-Crusher" because of how many times he has hurt my hand by shaking it. I have sometimes avoided him or kept my gloves on during the passing of the peace. I don't know why gloves work, but they do. I wish I had a good line to use that didn't take 15 minutes of explanation. It is a very difficult position to be in.

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  8. I also posted on my social media and got some good responses there, too, that I'd like to capture here.

    If you are one of those folks who "greet each other affectionately with a handshake or a hug, what could someone in pain say to you to prevent physical contact that would leave you still feeling loved and greeted and not awkward and offended and unlikely to ever talk to that person again? And if you are a person who deals with this kind of pain, what do you say in this situation?"

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  9. a. Try offering a "fist bump" and explaining with a smile that pain prevents contact. 

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  10. b. I'd just say, "I'm sorry, I'm not doing physical contact today." Your body, your rules, regardless of others' opinions.

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  11. b2. But I know you want something gentler than that. Maybe a nice big apologetic smile and shrug would help? Or begin with, "I'm so glad to see you!"?

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  12. c. Hugging and handshakes hurt, but I'm SO glad to see you!

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  13. d. This remind me of the episode of 30 Rock where Steve Martin was an agoraphobe and had a stand in do all his physical interaction. He was still perfectly charming and engaging, but had someone else do his physical interactions. Attend your new church with an gregarious extrovert and make a bit out of it, it will be fun and entertaining.

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  14. e. I found this very interesting article that suggests saying, "I'm sorry, I cannot shake hands today. It's very nice to meet/see you." To me, this feels the same as if you had a cold, which is a common and accepted reason to not shake hands. It also avoids a long conversation about your personal health issues during what is perhaps the first time you meet someone. smile emoticon It won't keep people from offering to shake hands every week, though. 
    www.quackwatch.com%2F03HealthPromotion%2Ffibromyalgia%2Ffms04.html&h=WAQH9E0Dr

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  15. f. I actually prefer no physical contact with others. I would not be offended. The bubble must not be breached!

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  16. g. I have a friend at church who goes through private agony because of this sometimes; I swear, someone not in the know gave her a hip bump or shoulder punch or something, and I wanted to cry for her sake. If you're feeling subtle and can manage the carrying, you could try keeping your hands "full" while running the handshaking gauntlet (light but bulky wallet and Bible, maybe?); when I was pregnant, I got in the habit of holding a Bible or purse in front of me to block belly-touching. But yeah, I'd expect people to respond well to the "I can't shake hands because of chronic pain, but I'm happy to see you!" line, if you can get it in fast enough.

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  17. h. And seriously? After reading your write-up of the church visiting process, I'd ask them to make an announcement to everybody to handle you with care, or heck, ask publicly for prayer because the pain's so bad even all the lovely handshakes and hugs hurt, and I bet they'd be totally chill about it.

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  18. i. "I am not the droid you are looking for. . ."

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  19. j. I have a friend who had rheumatoid arthritis & people somehow know to hug her like a fragile bird....almost an air hug.

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  20. k. Some humor might help the person not take offense...I'd probably say something ridiculous like "I'm particularly fragile today so I'll give you a spiritual hug instead of a real one". *Smile/chuckle*

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  21. l. Take both your hands, smile and cover your heart while giving a slight head bow.

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  22. m. Wow, good suggestions here. Far more practical than mine, which was to get a tiny monkey to shake hands for you. This presents many problems, of course, such as allergies and the lack of manual dexterity required to change tiny monkey diapers. : )

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  23. n. Mike so wants a monkey butler - but he may not have thought through all the ramifications....

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  24. o. But I hear there is a voice activated monkey handshaker. That Comcast is about to market. "No need to be rash," she said about the allergies. Or did you mean allegories?

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  25. p.
    This happened to me in church yesterday! A couple more thoughts:
    1. How you decline makes a big difference (i.e. smile vs grumpy).
    2. It helps the handshaker if you're willing to do a fist bump instead, so they aren't left wondering what to do with that outstretched hand.

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